Woeful Wizards: Goblet of Fire
by Woeful Wizards
Summary: Romance! Action! Betrayal! All and none of the above appears in this season. Or does it? A soap opera based on Harry Potter.
1. Episode One

**Woeful Wizards Goblet of Fire Episode One**

**Scene 1:**

[Frank, an old man, is sitting outside a door, listening to mutant-like Voldemort who is sitting with his feet up on a chair, Peter who is standing a little behind him and David Tennant Barty Crouch Jr. who is kneeling beside Voldemort. Spooky music is playing in the background.]

**Voldemort:** Are all the plans in (s) place?

**Peter:** Yes, my lord.

**Voldemort:** And what about (s) you, Barty?

**Barty:** Well, (breathes out heavily through his mouth) can't say that I'm not.

**Voldemort:** But remember, we don't have a lot of _time_ so you can't go _lording_ over us. Geddit?

**Barty:** (breaks until hysterical laughter) Good one, that's a good one.

[Nagini comes out behind Frank, sliding past and startling him.]

**Nagini:** Dayum gurl! Yo move dat fat ass.

[Nagini slides up to Voldemort.]

**Voldemort:** What da hell took you so long, nigga?

**Nagini:** Dis bitch in da hallway be cramping ma style.

**Frank:** (to himself) Surely he cannot understand that serpents tongue?

**Voldemort:** Yo, bro, I got ya back. (shouts) PETE!

**Peter:** (raises hand) Right here.

**Voldemort:** Oops. Sorry I yelled.

**Peter:** That's fine.

**Voldemort:** Bring our… visitor in.

[Peter opens the door and brings in Frank by his arm.]

**Frank:** (shrugs Peter off) YOU! (Points his finger at Voldemort) Feet off the upholstery!

**Voldemort:** (frowns) Of course, what a reasonable request, I'll just (s) _AVADA KEDAVRA_!

[Frank collapses on the floor in a heap. There is a silence of a few seconds.]

**Barty:** Excellent… wand work, Master.

[The camera does some sort of transition thing. Either it is zoom-y, or flash-y. It goes to Harry in his bed. A moment later, Harry sits up in his bed.]

**Harry:** (s) VOLDEMORT!

[Dramatic music.]

**Scene 2:**

[Draco and the gang are at Malfoy Manor.]

**Draco:** A lot (s) happened last year.

**Crabbe:** … I know.

**Goyle**: (s) How are we ever going to overcome these barriers?

[Silence]

**Draco:** I am SO excited for the Quidditch World Cup.

**Goyle:** Me too.

**Crabbe:** It's going to be super!

[Happy music.]

**Scene 3:**

[Harry is in his room, pacing.]

**Harry:** (s) What should I do? (s) Who can I tell? Hermione will just suggest a trained professional and Ron will ask his dad, a person who has access to resources I can only dream about…

**Hedwig:** (in her cage and whispers) Foreshadowing…

**Harry:** (s) Stop hooting ,Hedwig. I know! I'll shall write to my most trusted friend and advisor, Sirius Black!

[Harry sits down at his desk and he writes the following:]

_Dear Sirius,_

_How are you? I hope you are well. I'm (s) fine._

_Love,_

_Harry._

_PS I am actually an extremely confused and vulnerable youth. Please give me some advice._

_PPS Particularly about girls._

_PPPS And fame._

_PPPPS Oh, and no biggie, but I kind of dreamt that Voldemort had returned from the grave and that he was slowly returning to his full power. Weird, right?_

[After completing the letter, Harry seals the letter with a kiss and hands it to Hedwig. Dramatic music plays as he stares at Hedwig "flying" off into the sunset.]

**Scene 4:**

[At the Burrow. Ron and his entire family are sitting down for a meal.]

**Molly:** So, how was everyone's day?

**Percy:** Well, actually, I-

**George:** Perce, just shut the hell up.

**Fred:** The wall; that is what you are driving me up.

**Ginny:** (appears to be wearing a mound of rags) Muh hmm…

**Arthur:** I have (s) news, family.

[Everyone swivels to Arthur.]

**Arthur:** I have tickets to (pause for EMPHASIS) the Quidditch World Cup.

[Dramatic music]

**Arthur:** And you can all (s) bring friends.

[Dramatic music.]

**Bill:** I'll bring Charlie!

**Charlie:** I'll bring Bill!

**Percy:** I'll bring my growing sense of estrangement from my family.

**George:** Dibs on Fred.

**Fred:** Damn, I wanted Dobby instead.

**Ron:** (to himself) Who should I chose? Harry (s) or Hermione?

**Ginny:** Can I bring a friend?

[Everyone bursts out laughing. Ginny shrinks away]

**Arthur:** (still chuckling) Ginny, love, I think Ron will just lend one of his friends to go with you.

**Ron:** (stands up abruptly and raises hands above his head) SUCCESS!

**Scene 5:**

[Harry is also sitting down to dinner with the Dursleys]

**Harry:** Sorry I was (s) late.

**Vernon:** Whatever. What's for dinner?

**Petunia: **Salad.

**Dudley:** (sighs) Oh, not again.

[The phone rings.]

**Petunia:** (stands up) That'll be the phone.

[She exits. The doorbell rings]

**Vernon:** I'll get it.

[Vernon exits. There is a moment of silence.]

**Dudley:** So, Harry, what were you up to?

**Harry:** (stares at Dudley) Just talking to my (s) friends.

**Dudley:** (frowns) I thought you didn't have any friends.

**Harry:** Maybe not. (Leans close to Dudley's ear and whispers) But I have cake.

**Dudley:** (gasps) What?

[Vernon and Petunia come back in. Vernon is holding a letter.]

**Vernon:** It's all very odd.

**Harry:** (s away and whispers) I know.

**Petunia:** What is it, dear?

**Vernon:** A letter for us, about Harry.

**Harry:** (stands up and shouts) WHAT'S SO WEIRD ABOUT THAT, HUH?

**Vernon:** It's written in blood.

[Dramatic music.]

**Scene 6:**

[At Malfoy Manor. Draco and the gang are all in their sleeping bags, gossiping.]

**Crabbe:** Have you seen the way she looks at (s) Dean Thomas?

**Draco:** (s) Who?

**Crabbe:** Ginny Weasley.

**Draco:** She is NOT going out with HIM.

**Goyle:** (s) How do you know?

**Draco:** (smugly) A gentleman never tells.

**Crabbe:** (hits Draco with a pillow) PILLOW FIGHT!

[Draco laughs, grab his own pillow and hits Crabbe with his own pillow. They roll about on the floor, giggling. Goyle sits on the sidelines, mouth agape. Friendship music.]

**Scene 7:**

[Back at 4 Privet Drive.]

**Harry:** (icily) Just because they are poor and can't afford ink so they have to write in their own blood, do you think it's okay if you discriminate against them?

**Vernon:** Well, I-

**Harry:** Give me that.

[Harry stands up, snatches the letter and sits back down, all the time glaring at Vernon.]

**Dudley:** What does it say, cousin?

**Harry:** I am (s) speechless.

**Petunia:** (frowns) Oh dear. I think I have medication for that.

**Harry:** Uncle, can I go to (s) the Quidditch World Cup?

**Vernon:** … sure. (turns to Petunia) You better hurry up with that medication.

[Petunia nods and walks out of the room.]

**Harry:** YES!

[Harry jumps into the air, hands above his head, his expression ecstatic. It freeze frames on that image.]

**END OF EPISODE ONE**


	2. Episode Two

**Woeful Wizards Goblet of Fire Episode Two**

**Scene 1:**

[Harry is in the Dursley's living room, with dozens of bags surrounding him. He is pacing nervously whilst the Dursley's are all sitting around, doing various ordinary things.]

**Harry:** So, I am going to (s) leave soon.

**Vernon:** Yeah. (Takes a sip from his tea cup)

**Harry:** And I shall be gone (s) for the rest of the summer.

**Petunia:** So you said.

**Harry:** Well, I-

[There is a loud bang and suddenly the Durselys and Harry are standing/sitting in a pile of rubble. Arthur, Ron, Fred and George all appear next to Harry, all smiling.]

**Vernon:** Did you just blow up half my house?

**Arthur:** No, I think that was all of it.

**Vernon:** Right. (Pause) Shall we exchange insurance?

**Arthur:** Can't you see. For I am (s) a wizard. And wizards do not have insurance. We have (s) wizard things.

**Vernon:** Right.

**Arthur:** (s) Let's go, Harry.

**Harry:** (s) Bye then! (He waves at the Dursley's)

[The Dursley's are still in shock about the fact that their home is now a piece of smoking rubble.]

**Arthur:** (angrily and shouting) (s) ARE YOU NOT GOING TO SAY GOODBYE TO HARRY FREAKING POTTER? HOW INCONSIDERATE!

**Petunia:** Bye.

**Arthur:** Good.

[Fred and George are frowning at the Dursley's]

**Arthur:** Let's go, twins!

[Fred trips and spills some kind of sweet all over Dudley.]

**Fred:** Whoops, clumsy me!

**George:** 'Fraid it's his knee.

[Arthur grabs the twins by their collars and flings them into the fireplace, which is miraculously still standing. The twins disappear.]

**Arthur:** Ron, (s) you next.

**Ron:** (s) What? But I-

[Arthur does likewise for Ron. Ron also disappears.]

**Arthur:** So, Harry I-

[They are interrupted by Petunia.]

**Petunia:** Oh, dear.

[Dudley is on the floor, gasping for breath, his face purple.]

**Arthur:** What (s) happened?

**Petunia:** Dudley ate one of the sweets and it appears that his throat is constricting.

**Vernon:** And now he's choking to death.

**Petunia:** It's all very unfortunate.

[The Dursley's stare at their dying son and sigh.]

**Arthur:** (s) Time for WIZARDRY! (Brandishes wand)

**Harry:** I best be going, then.

[Harry swivels into the fireplace and is gone. Arthur appears to be concentrating fiercely. Dudley continues to die. Vernon is reading the newspaper and Petunia tries to make tea out of broken crockery. Dramatic music.]

**Scene 2:**

[Draco and the gang are sitting down for dinner at the Malfoy Manor.]

**Draco:** Try the unicorn soup, guys. (s) I made it myself.

**Crabbe:** (taking a sip) Ooh, endangered.

**Goyle:** Have we thought of a plan yet?

**Draco:** (s) For what again?

**Goyle:** (frowns) I think I've forgotten it.

**Crabbe:** (pats Goyle's hand) I'm sure you'll think of it soon.

**Draco:** Yes…

[Silence]

**Scene 3:**

[Harry and the gang and the entire Weasley family are all sitting down to dinner.]

**Harry:** So, (s) Percy what do you do?

**Ron:** NO HARRY DON'T-

**Percy:** I actually am working on this really interesting –

**Ron:** OH LOOK, POTATOES.

[Ron grabs a potato and shoves it into Percy's mouth.]

**Harry:** (whispers to Ron) Thanks, mate.

**Ron:** (whispers back) No problem.

**Percy:** (spits out potato) MOTHER! Aren't you going to discipline him?

**Molly:** (shouts) RON! Don't use your fingers to touch food.

[Percy stands up, glares at everyone and runs away.]

**Hermione:** I'm really excited about (s) the Quidditch World Cup.

**Charlie:** Yeah, and I'm excited about (hesitates) … nothing.

**Fred:** Aw, poor Charlie is sad.

**George:** It's just a passing fad.

**Charlie:** Yeah, because (s) nothing is coming to your school involving two other magical wizarding schools.

**Hedwig:** FORESHADOWING.

**Harry:** (s) How did you get out here?

**Arthur:** Anyway, it's an early start in the morning. We're travelling by (s) Portkey.

[Dramatic music.]

**Scene 4:**

[Draco and the gang are playing cards in the drawing room at Malfoy Manor.]

**Crabbe:** Do you have a seven?

**Draco:** Go fish.

[Crabbe sulkily picks up a card.]

**Goyle:** (slaps head) I just remembered!

**Draco:** Remembered what? (to Crabbe) Got any sevens?

**Crabbe:** Go fish.

**Goyle:** What we're meant to be scheming about!

**Crabbe:** Does your hand contains sevens?

**Draco:** Go fish. (to Goyle) And what exactly is that?

**Goyle:** Harry Potter, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger (s) stole our band name!

[Draco and Goyle drop their hands.]

**Draco:** (s) Oh, it's on.

[Dramatic music.]

**Scene 5:**

[Harry and the gang, Arthur, the twins and Ginny are walking in the woods.]

**Harry:** I can't believe we're going to sleep in a (s) tent.

**Ron:** (shrugs) As long as we have enough to eat.

**Hedwig:** FORESHADOWING.

**Harry:** (rattles her cage) SHUT UP YOU STUPID BIRD.

**Hermione:** Who is (s) that?

[Cedric and his father Amos appear.]

**Arthur:** Amos! My friend!

[They embrace.]

**Cedric:** Hey, Hermione. Hey, Ginny.

[Harry and Ron turn to Ginny and Hermione, who are giggling.]

**Amos:** I'm afraid Cedric has a (s) condition. I hope the boys don't mind carrying his stuff.

**Arthur:** (s) Of course not.

[Harry, Ron and the twins get loaded up with a lot of stuff.]

**Cedric:** And you ladies can carry my arms.

[Cedric puts his arms around both Hermione and Ginny. Seeing Ron and Harry staring at him, he winks.]

**Ron:** He's so (s) sparkly.

**Fred:** Oi! The Portkey's just ahead.

**George:** So you lot better get out of bed.

[They arrive at a big blue box on the middle of a hillside.]

**Harry:** What's (s) that?

**Ron:** Don't ask me!

**Arthur:** It's a (s) Portkey.

**Hermione:** (s)But why is it-

**Amos:** Just a piece of garbage? Because then Muggles won't touch it.

**Ginny:** But-

[Hermione glances at Ginny and shakes her head sadly.]

**Arthur:** (s) Everyone hold on!

[Everyone except for Harry touches the box.]

**Harry:** How?

**Amos:** (s) Just touch it.

**Harry:** Okay…

[Harry touches the box.]

**Arthur:** (looking at watch) Five…

**Cedric:** Potter, you're in my spot.

**Arthur:** … four…

[Cedric pushes Harry away from the box.]

**Arthur:** … three…

**Harry:** (glowers) Cedric, you've just made an enemy.

**Arthur:** … two…

[Harry lunges for the box and slaps his hand on it.]

**Arthur:** … one and lift off!

[They all disappear to the sound of "VWORP VWORP" and reappear at the Quidditch World Cup.]

**Arthur:** Welcome (s) to the Quidditch World Cup.

**END OF EPISODE TWO**


	3. Episode Three

**Woeful Wizards Goblet of Fire Episode Three**

**Scene 1:**

[At the Quidditch World Cup. Draco is sitting in his room, reading a book.]

**Draco:** Oh Jane, can't you see how much Mr. Rochester loves you?

[Mr Malfoy walks in.]

**Mr Malfoy:** What is this (sneers) drivel that you are reading?

**Draco:** (angrily) It's not drivel, it's my (s) … life.

**Mr Malfoy:** That's it! (s) We're going to the Quidditch World Cup!

**Draco:** (shouts) I DON'T WANT TO.

**Mr Malfoy:** If you loved me, (s) you would.

**Draco:** (turns around with tears in his eyes) I thought I still did.

**Mr Malfoy:** (s) That's it.

[Mr Malfoy grabs Draco by his hair and drags him out of the room. Dramatic music.]

**Scene 2:**

[The Weasley's, Harry and Hermione are all sitting in the box-thing. There is an empty chair next to Harry.]

**Harry:** (waving) Bye then!

**Hermione:** Who were you talking to, Harry?

**Harry:** Winky. She's just gone to get snacks.

**Hermione:** Oh, I see.

**Ron:** (hits Hermione in the face) shh… it's starting.

[20th Century Fox music.]

**Harry:** (s) Wow! Magic!

**Ron:** (s) On broomsticks.

[Harry and Ron embrace without taking their eyes from the front. However, in doing so, Harry sticks his behind out so that his wand is sticking out.]

**Hermione:** (in between the two) I… can't… breathe.

[Harry's wand disappears. Dramatic music.]

**Harry**: (s) Did you hear something?

**Ron: **Only the sound of (s) friendship.

[Friendship music.]

**Hermione:** (choking noises) NNNNGGGHHH.

**Scene 3:**

[Mr Malfoy and Draco are walking just outside the Quidditch World Cup stadium.]

**Mr Malfoy:** What did you think of the match, Draco?

**Draco:** If all the world hated you, and believed you wicked, while your own conscience approved you, and absolved you from guilt, you would not be without friends.

**Mr Malfoy:** Shit, is that the time? Got to go do some stuff, see you later, kid.

[Mr Malfoy hurries away, putting on some dark robes and a mask whilst doing so.]

**Draco:** (sighs) Oh, well. I wonder where Crabbe and Goyle are?

**Scene 4:**

[Harry, Ron and Hermione are running through a forest.]

**Harry:** What the hell happened?

**Ron:** (s) SCENES OF UNIMAGINABLE HORROR.

**Harry:** How original.

**Hermione:** Let's (s) light our wands.

[Hermione and Ron do so. Harry pats his pockets and frowns.]

**Ron:** Whatever is the (s) matter, Harry?

**Harry:** (s) I've lost my wand.

[Hermione and Ron both gasp and look shocked at the same time.]

**Harry:** (puts head in hands) How could this happen?

**Ron:** (pats his back) There, there.

[Draco walks in.]

**Draco:** Didn't mean to intrude, but-

**Hermione:** (points at Draco) YOU DID THIS. YOU STOLE HIS WAND.

**Harry:** Hermione, I don't think-

**Hermione:** You fiend! (s) I BET IT IS YOUR FATHER WHO IS OUT THERE.

**Draco:** (starts to cry) My father… doesn't tell me anything. (Buries face in hands)

**Harry:** (pats Draco on the back) Neither does mine.

**Draco:** (looks up hopefully) Really?

**Ron:** (pushes Draco away from Harry) Go away, Malfoy. No one wants you here.

**Draco:** (looks from Harry to Ron) I see how it is.

[Draco flees. Harry looks after him longingly.]

**Hermione:** (s) He's such a tool.

**Ron:** I know, right?

**Harry:** Hmmm…

[There is a crash offscreen. Everyone swivels towards it.]

**Ron:** What the (s) Merlin was that?

**Harry:** Oh, that's just Winky.

[Silence.]

**Hermione:** Shouldn't we help her? She seems to be struggling.

**Ron:** No, house-elves _like_ to do some (s) hard work.

[Silence.]

**Harry:** Let's carry on running then, shall we?

[They do so, to dramatic music.]

**Scene 5:**

[Mr Malfoy, dressed in his robes and mask, is setting fire to things whilst cackling manically. Draco runs up to him.]

**Draco:** Father! (s) I HAVE FOUND YOU AT LAST!

**Mr Malfoy:** (Doesn't stop committing arson) Not now, Draco, (s) I'm busy.

**Draco:** (s) You're always busy.

**Mr Malfoy:** (angrily) Just go to our tent, will you?

**Draco:** Can't. The tent's on fire.

**Mr Malfoy:** (sighs) Then put it out with magic.

**Draco:** (frowns) But I can't use magic outside of school.

**Mr Malfoy:** (turns to Draco) Were you always a whiny little bitch?

[Draco looks mortified. Dramatic music.]

**Scene 6:**

[Harry and the gang are still running from the woods.]

**Hermione:** Wait, what are we running from?

**Ron:** (s) DANGER.

[Silece.]

**Harry:** (s) Let's walk.

**Ron:** (s) Okay.

[They walk.]

**Harry:** Hey, what's that (s) sound?

**Voice:** (offscreen) BRILLIANT! Brilliant!

**Ron:** I… I don't know.

**Hermione:** Guys, (s) shh…

**Voice:** (still off-screen but getting closer) Well, well, well… what am I here for again? Ah, yes, I remember. MORSMORDRE!

[A Dark Mark appears in the sky.]

**Harry:** (whistles) Cool.

**Voice:** (off-screen) Aw, is that the time? Allons-y!

[There is a noise like: VWORP VWORP, then silence.]

**Ron:** (s) I wonder what-

[A jet of light comes out of nowhere and hits Ron on the head, causing him to fall.]

**Harry:** What the-

[Another jet of light hits Harry.]

**Hermione:** EXPELLIARMUS!

[There is a bang, cursing and the sound of someone falling over.]

**Hermione:** (s) It's Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Grange, you nitwits!

[Amos, Arthur, Mr Crouch and Bagman all step forward.]

**Arthur:** So sorry, Hermione. Amos must not have seen you guys.

**Amos:** … yes.

[Dramatic music.]

**Scene 7:**

[Mr Malfoy is torturing some muggles, with Draco nearby looking sulky.]

**Mr Malfoy:** (s) Stop being so difficult, Draco.

**Draco:** No.

**Mr Malfoy:** Look, we can hang out next weekend. How does that sound?

**Draco:** I'm at school, Dad. (s) Don't you remember anything?

[Draco runs off. Mr Malfoy looks angry.]

**Mr Malfoy:** Draco, wait, I-

[The Dark Mark appears in the sky.]

**Mr Malfoy:** Aw, shit.

[Mr Malfoy disapparates. Dramatic music.]

**Scene 8:**

[Harry and the gang and MoM staff are still in the woods.]

**Arthur:** So, you're saying that the elf did it?

**Hermione:** NO! (s) There was a man.

**Bagman:** That sounded like an elf?

**Ron:** NO! (s) He sounded a little Scottish.

**Amos:** But he looked like an elf?

**Harry:** NO! (s) He was quite tall and his hair was… dreamy.

**Crouch:** (s) I've heard enough! Obviously, I must fire my elf. Which I have done. Now.

[There is a squeak off-screen.]

**Crouch:** Quiet, Winky. Now, since it's late and I'm tired, nothing happened here.

**Hermione:** What? (s) Well, for one-

**Crouch:** Bye.

[Crouch disapparates. Hermione looks furious. Everyone else shrugs.]

**Arthur:** Bedtime!

[Dramatic music.]

**END OF EPISODE THREE.**


	4. Episode Four

**Woeful Wizards Goblet of Fire Episode Four**

**Scene 1:**

[Harry and the gang are in Ron's bedroom. Harry is staring out the window meaningfully with his back towards Ron and Hermione.]

**Harry:**(emotionally) There's something I haven't (s) told you guys yet.

**Ron:** (puts hand on Harry's shoulder) You can tell us anything.

[Harry turns around and gazes intently at Ron. Silence.]

**Hermione:** So, what is (s) it?

**Harry:** On Sunday, my… scar hurt. (s) Again.

[Ron faints in shock. Hermione gasps. Dramatic music.]

**Hermione:** Harry, this is (s) _bad_. You need to go tell someone-

**Harry:** (s) I've told Sirius.

**Hermione: **But he can't really-

**Ron:** (getting up from the floor) Good, now that's all sorted let's play Quidditch.

**Hermione:** Ron, (s) this is serious.

**Harry:** (brightening up) Yeah, that sounds like a great idea!

[Harry and Ron go galloping away.]

**Hermione:** (s) _BOYS._

[Hermione pouts whilst stroking Crookshanks looking out the window.]

**Scene 2:**

[Draco is sitting in his room sulkily. There is a knock at the door and he looks up.]

**Mr Malfoy:** (otherside of door) Can I come in, Draco?

**Draco:** … okay.

[Mr Malfoy comes into the room and looks around in disdain.]

**Mr Malfoy:** Open a window, it smells in here.

**Draco:** (s) … no. YOU ALWAYS JUDGE ME.

[Draco throws a pillow at Mr Malfoy.]

**Mr Malfoy:** (angrily) As punishment, no ice cream tonight.

[Mr Malfoy stalks out of the room. Draco falls to the floor.]

**Draco:** (rips off shirt) NO!

**Scene 3:**

[Harry and Ron are in their room. On the bed is two dresses, one of a floral print and one green.]

**Harry:** Ron?

**Ron:** Yes, sweetie?

**Harry:** What… are _those_? (Harry points to the dresses).

**Ron:** I… I don't know. (s) But, they're…

**Harry and Ron:** (together) FABULOUS.

[Glitter explodes from the ceiling. Harry and Ron pick up a dress each and "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" starts playing. Cue montage of Harry and Ron jumping up and down on beds, hitting each other with pillows, experimenting with make-up etc. Hermione walks in.)

**Hermione:** Are those dresses?

**Ron:** Ew.

[Suddenly the dresses are off of Harry and Ron and they are wearing the clothes they were wearing previously.]

**Hermione:** What? But-

**Harry:** Magic.

**Hermione:** I-

**Harry:** MAGIC.

[Dramatic music.]

**Scene 4:**

[Mr Malfoy is outside a locked bathroom. Draco is inside, and heavy metal music can be heard.]

**Mr Malfoy:** (knocking on the door) Draco? DRACO? You better come out now, you're going to miss the-

[The door swings open. There is Draco, with black hair. The music continues to play.]

**Draco:** Hang on, I need to-

**Mr Malfoy:** (s) WHAT IS THAT?

**Draco:** Uh, (sassy s) Cradle of Filth? Don't you know anything?

**Mr Malfoy:** (faints) Oh!

**Draco:** (stares down at father) Are we going to get going or what?

**Mr Malfoy:** (from floor) We're going to buy you a wig. No way are you attending the Triwizard Tournament looking like (s) that.

**Draco**: (eyes shining and s) Triwizard Tournament?

**Scene 5:**

[At the Hogwarts Express. The Weasleys, Harry and Ron are on Platform 9 ¾.]

**Molly:** Are all of you ready?

**Ron:** (tired) YES MUM OH MY GOD DO YOU HAVE TO BE SUCH A BUZZKILL MERLIN.

**Arthur:** I think something (s) interesting is going to happen this year.

**Percy:** I know what he means. I can tell you guys because I realise that you're going to find out soon anyway and there really is no point in holding back-

**Bill:** (puts hand on Percy's face and pushes him away) Stop teasing them, you show off. (s) I know what it is as well.

**Molly:** (s) So do I.

**Charlie:** (s) And me.

[Arthur, Molly, Bill and Charlie stare at the children intently. There is silence for a few moments.]

**Ron:**… right.

**Harry:** Well, frankly, I don't care. (carefree s) What else is going to happen to me? I'm already pretty freaking special as is.

**Hedwig:** Foreshadowing.

**Harry:** (rattles cage) Shut UP, Hedwig.

**Hermione:** Oh dear, (s) here comes the antagonist. Figures of authority VANISH!

[They do. Draco, wearing a horrid wig, and the gang come into the shot.]

**Draco:** … and that's why I went with dark horse rather than the night demon colour- Potter!

**Harry:** Nice wig, (s) WIGfoy.

**Ron:** (snickers) Good one.

**Crabbe:** (clutches Draco's arm and whispers in arm) Draco, don't worry about him.

**Draco:** NO. (Pulls off Crabbe's hand.) Potter, we have been meaning to dance this dance since we first met.

[Draco steps forward, towards Harry. Harry does the same. They are face-to-face, glaring at each other. Their respective two best friends hover at their elbows, looking worried.]

**Draco:** (with venom) Potter.

**Harry:** (same tone) Draco.

**Draco:** First name terms, are we?

**Harry:** I think we've known each other (s) long enough.

**Draco:** Harry, (leans into ear and whispers) I know something you don't.

**Harry:** (tensely) What?

**Draco:** We're going to have some visitors at the school.

**Harry:** Your breath smells nice.

**Draco:** Goodbye, Potter.

[Draco snaps his fingers and spins sharply around. Crabbe and Goyle each glare at all three of the other gang in turn before turning away and running to catch up with Draco.]

**Hermione:** I (s) wonder what he meant-

**Harry:** I HAVE NEVER WANTED TO KNOW SOMETHING SO BAD IN MY LIFE. RON (s to Ron and points) LET'S FIND YOUR FAMILY THEY HAVE BEEN SAYING THINGS.

**Ron:** I think you need a (s) breather.

**Harry:** I'M FINE THANK YOU WHAT DO YOU MEAN.

**Ron:** You're talking in (s) capitals.

**Harry:** WHAT.

**Ron:** Hermione, (s) he's getting too excited.

**Hermione:** (s) Emergency chloroform?

**Ron:** Emergency chloroform.

**Harry:** NO I HAVE TO BE ONE STEP AHEAD OF MALFOY GOD HE WOULD LOOK GOOD WITH BLACK HAIR I WONDER IF-

[Ron covers Harry's mouth and nose with a rag. Harry sinks to the floor. Hermione and Ron each take an arm and start dragging him to the train. Dramatic music.]

**Scene 6:**

[Draco and the gang are in their cabin-thing. Draco is staring out the window and Crabbe and Goyle are watching him apprehensively.]

**Goyle:** Are you (s) alright?

**Draco:** (downward s) Fine.

**Crabbe:** What was all that?

**Draco:** There is going to be a (s) Triwizard Tournament this year.

[Crabbe and Goyle gasp. Dramatic music.]

**END OF EPISODE FOUR**


	5. Episode Five

**WOEFUL WIZARDS GOBLET OF FIRE EPISODE FIVE**

**Scene 1:**

[Harry and the gang are in the Entrance Hall. There is noise of thunder and rain which sounds like someone saying "Boom" and "pitter-patter" alternately.]

**Ron:** It's so (s) wet and rainy outside.

[Peeves floats in.]

**Hermione:** I know, it's (s) horrible.

**Peeves:** More horrible than being dead?

**Hermione:** (swivels to Peeves) Pardon? I didn't quite catch that.

**Peeves:** You are not truly wet. You have never been drowned with the guilt of your past actions, actions you can still see the consequences of but never partake in. You shall never be constantly underwater, life passing by and you can almost touch it but yet you can only observe. To symbolise this, I'm going to throw this water balloon at you.

[Peeves throws a water balloon at Harry and the gang. They get wet.]

**Harry and the gang:** (althogether and cheerily) OH, PEEVES.

[Peeves runs away, sobbing.]

**Ron:** That guy is hilarious.

[McGonagall enters, guiding children to the Great Hall]

**McGonagall:** (neutrally) Into the Great Hall now, kids.

**Harry:** (s) Professor McGonagall! I haven't seen you in ages! How are you?

**McGonagall:** (same tone) Keep moving, people.

**Harry:** I had (s) SO much fun. I went to the-

[An apple suddenly appears in Harry's mouth. McGonagall is pointing her wand at him.]

**Harry:** (trying to continue speaking) Nnnfpk.

**McGonagall:** (icily) Now move it, Potter.

[Harry is guided by his gang to the Great Hall.]

**Scene 2:**

[Draco and the gang are at the Slytherin table. Crabbe and Goyle are talking animnatedly. Draco looks bored and stares off into space.]

**Crabbe:** -but he doesn't tell Leslie that he's going to the art gallery with the teacher, so she goes to-

**Goyle:** OH I GET IT NOW!

**Crabbe:** Such a (s) good movie.

**Draco:** (stands up suddenly) WHAT IS THIS ATROCITY?

[Scene cuts to Harry, still being led by Hermione and Ron, with the apple in his mouth.]

**Draco:** (shakes fist) I THOUGHT WE HAD AN AGREEMENT. I THOUGHT WE HAD A TRUCE.

**Crabbe:** What's the matter, (s) sweetie?

**Draco:** THE WHORE, THAT'S THE MATTER.

**Goyle:** But Draco-

**Draco:** (s) WHAT.

**Goyle:** Draco, you have (s) us.

**Draco**: (turns away from them with tears streaming down his face) Sometimes I don't think that's enough.

[Crabbe and Goyle gasp. Dramatic music.]

**Scene 3:**

[In the Great Hall. The students and staff are quietly chatting to themselves. Dumbledore canters in and the talking ceases immediately. Dumbledore leaps up to that pedestal thing, leans against it with one fish-netted leg up, and proceeds to speak.]

**Dumbledore:** Welcome (s) back. I hope we all had quite productive summers.

**Fred:** I hope he means reproductive.

**George:** Or even quite destructive.

**Dumbledore:** I, alas (raises hand to forehead) have some terrible news. It is horrific, but necessary. It is fatal, but life-saving. It is-

**Snape:** Get to the point, Alby.

**Dumbledore:** (turns sharply to Snape) When I am ready, SEVERUS. (Turns back to his audience) It will be hideous, but beautiful.

**Snape:** That's it. (stands up) No Quidditch this year.

[Chaos breaks out, as well as several fires.]

**Dumbledore:** (Glares at Snape) See what you did?

**Harry:** (Tearing hair out) MY IDENTITY.

[There is a "VWORP VWORP" noise in the background, but it remains unnoticed.]

**Ron:** (Clutching Hermione's shirt and shaking her vigorously) HOW AM I GOING TO ADMIRE HARRY'S ATHLETICISM NOW?

[Moody enters the room and regards the scene in front of him.]

**Crabbe:** DRACO, PLEASE. (s) STOP ROLLING ON THE FLOOR.

**Draco:** (from floor) NEVER.

**Moody:** (raises hands, one holding a certain tubular device) SILENCE!

[Everyone stops what they are doing and turn to face Moody.]

**Moody:** Well, well, well I think that (realises what he has in his hand) oops. (Puts the device into his coat pocket) That's- that's not important. Ignore that.

**Dumbledore:** (fondly) Ah, Alastor. Allow me to (s) introduce you. Students, this is my old friend and your new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, Professor Moody!

[Dumbledore gestures to Moody. There are a few scattered claps.]

**Moody:** Molto bene! That's Italian, just by the way. I've been to Italy. Pompei, actually. (strokes his ear) Bit of hot day, that was. (puts hands in pockets) Right, then. I'm just going to go sit down, shall I?

[Moody goes to sit next to Snape, who sneers at him. Dumbledore resumes speaking.]

**Dumbledore:** However, (s) the reason for this tragedy is because we're hosting the legendary, the hip, and the ever so fabulous, Triwizard Tournament.

[Dramatic music. There is a short pause of silence.]

**Fred:** You're JOKING.

**George:** Stop poking.

[Everyone starts laughing. Tears are running down cheeks. People cannot contain their mirth. Dumbledore laughs the hardest, and is soon on the floor doubled over.]

**Dumbledore:** (still on floor and gasping for breath) Fred Weasley, (s) you are just too much! In all seriousness, the Triwizard Tournament is a competition involving Hogwarts and two other wizarding schools. This contest was considered very dangerous with an extremely high death toll. I cannot even begin to describe the scenes of unimaginable horror which occurred because of it. So we decided to start it up again!

[Everyone cheers and claps.]

**Dumbledore:** And the two lucky schools with us this year are: (pauses to look at an envelope that had appeared in his hand) Beauxbatons and Durmstang.

[Everyone claps politely.]

**Dumbledore:** And of course, you must be 17 years old or older to enter. Bedtime! (s) Chop-chop!

**Scene 4:**

[Crabbe and Goyle are just outside the boys bathroom. Crying can be heard from inside.]

**Crabbe:** Draco? We know (s) you're inside.

**Goyle:** Could you come out? We're… worried.

**Draco:** (from inside the bathroom) GO AWAY.

**Goyle: **We can (s) talk about it.

**Draco:** (still from inside) WELL I DON'T WANT TO.

**Crabbe:** I have (s) chocolate. (He holds up a bag)

[There is a pause. Draco opens the door a little, sees the chocolate and then snatches it off of Crabbe.]

**Draco:** (from inside the bathroom) You can go now.

**Goyle:** Then I guess we're going to have to listen to (s) One Direction all by ourselves, without Draco.

[There is a pause. Draco slowly opens up the door and comes out. He has obviously been crying.]

**Draco:** (nods) Okay.

[Dramatic music.]

**END OF EPISODE FIVE**


	6. Episode Six

**Woeful Wizards Goblet of Fire Episode Six**

**Scene 1:**

[Draco and the gang are lounging in the Hogwarts quad, which now exists.]

**Crabbe:** Draco, are you alright?

**Draco**: (sharpily) What do you mean?

**Goyle:** You've been a little…. Distracted.

**Crabbe:** Has this got something to do with (dramatic pause) Potter?

**Draco:** (blushes) What has he got to do with anything?

**Goyle:** (clears throat) Well… you won't shut up about him.

**Crabbe:** We think you need to stay (s) away.

**Draco:** I DON'T-

**Goyle:** (interrupts) I mean it's alright, if you are.

**Draco:** (continues) - EVEN-

**Crabbe:** (interrupts) MORE than okay.

**Draco:** (continues) – _LIKE_ HIM.

[Awkward but dramatic silence.]

**Crabbe:** (icily) Prove it.

**Draco:** (astonished) Wh-what?

**Goyle:** (puts hand on Crabbe's shoulder) You don't have to do this.

**Crabbe:** No. (s) I _want_ to.

(Goyle and Crabbe have an intense stare off)

**Draco:** (stands up) I'll do it. (s) Because I can't stand to be ignored.

[Dramatic music.]

**Scene 2:**

[Harry and the gang are walking down the corridor. There is light-hearted music in the background.]

**Hermione:** (s) Personally, I think that that awful Skeeter woman-

**Harry:** (shoves hand into Hermione's face) No time for females. (He pushes Hermione to the ground) Best friend time (stares into distance)

**Ron:** So you reckon the article wasn't that big of a (s) deal?

**Harry:** … what article?

**Ron:** I mean, it's not like (s) teenagers read the newspaper.

[They enter the quad]

**Harry:** … yes. I know what you are talking about entirely.

[Hermioine rushes up behind them.]

**Ron:** Are you (s) alright?

**Hermione:** Bit of a concussion, so try not to let me (s)-

[Mid-swivel, Draco comes up and puts his hands over Harry's eyes. Hermione and Ron stare at Draco intensely.]

**Draco:** (cheerily) Guess who!

**Harry:** (hopefully) Cedric?

**Draco:** What? NO! (He pulls his arms down quickly and crosses his chest.)

**Harry:** (Turns around) Oh, I didn't know-

**Draco:** (s) RON, heard about your, your pet… your family!

**Ron:** (s of shock) YOU READ THE ARTICLE?

**Draco:** … yes.

**Harry:** Draco…

**Draco:** And, and, (pauses) your mother.

**Ron:** (gasps) Oh my! (He faints and Hermione catches him and proceeds to sob over his unmoving body)

**Harry:** … you can stop now.

**Draco:** (spins to Harry and points) And your mother as well!

**Harry:** (His face grows hard and develops a pinched expression) Well, yo mamma.

[Draco looks aghast. Harry takes one of Ron's arms and starts dragging him away, with Hermione carrying his legs. Crabbe and Goyle come up to comfort Draco]

**Goyle:** It's alright. We don't mind if you're (s) inferior.

**Draco:** (gets out wand) That is IT.

[Harry and Hermione are taking a really long time to get Ron out of the quad. Draco opens his mouth, but before he can utter a spell, Moody runs out.]

**Moody:** Well, what's going on here?

**Draco:** (annoyed) Stop lording about, Mad-Eye.

**Moody:** YOU KNOW.

**Draco:** (s) What?

**Moody:** Can't explain now because, well, you're a ferret.

**Draco:** Huh?

[Moody reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a tube and presses a button on it. It flashes a blue light and goes "Rrrwoor". Draco turns into a ferret.]

**Moody:** (crouches besides Ferret Draco) Love to stay and chat, but you've just unmasked the fury of the Time Lords. Well, the one that's left. Which is me. Only me. (Moody stands up abruptly) ANGST! (He angsts)

**Harry:** (whispers to Hermione) I think I like this guy.

[McGonagall walks in, observes the scene and sighs.]

**McGonagall:** Not again.

[She takes out her wand and waves it around. Draco is a human again.]

**Moody:** Well, (claps hands) I'm just going to go…

[Moody runs off. Everyone stares at him running off. Dramatic music.]

**Scene 3:**

[Harry, the gang and the rest of the GRYFFINDOR'S are in DADA. There is no one up the front.]

**Ron:** Apparently, he knows (s) everything.

**Dean:** That's right. He was an (s) Auror.

[Everyone whistles]

**Harry:** (leans face on hand and dreamily) I wonder what it's like to meet evil wizards face-to-face…

**Hermione:** HARRY.

**Harry:** Oh yeah, right.

[Moody runs into the classroom and stands up the front.]

**Moody:** Rightio, Defence Against the Dark Arts. (He begins to pace up and down) The dark arts and defending yourself against them. The defence against arts which are dark. (Turns to face the class suddenly) Are you getting all this down?

[Hermione puts up her hand]

**Moody:** Yes, you with the… hair.

**Hermione:** Sir, aren't you going to teach us any (s and jazz hands) magic?

**Moody:** Magic? Like, witches and stuff? I once met a few witches. Well, they were technically aliens but I guess witchery is the best term for what they were doing. How'd we stop them again? Oh yeah, with a poem. A sonnet! By Will himself. And the last word was, if I recall correctly, EXPELLIARMUS! Hang on-

[There is a loud thunderclap and everything shakes.]

**Ron:** (fearfully) What was that?

**Hermione:** Interintertextuality.

**Moody:** And, now for the lesson! (Takes the tube out of his pocket) Three unforgivable curses, _crucio,_ (points it at student and he wriggles and screams in pain)_imperio_, (points it at different student and she immediately looks like a zombie-slave person thing) and _avada ked-_

[Just before Moody finishes the spell, Neville walks in and makes him stop in his tracks.]

**Moody:** Who are you?

**Neville:** (bored) Neville.

**Moody:** (suspicious) And what were you doing just then?

**Neville:** (shrugs) Taking my time.

**Moody:** NOT YOU TOO.

**Neville:** What?

**Moody:** YOU'RE COMING WITH ME, "NEVILLE". CLASS DISMISSED.

[The Gryffindors run out, cheering. Moody grabs Neville by his collar and drags him into his office. Dramatic music.]

**Scene 4:**

[Draco and the gang are sitting in the Slytherin dormitory.]

**Draco:** I'm (s) suspicious of Mad-Eye.

**Crabbe:** Uh-huh.

**Goyle:** Hmm…

**Draco:** What is he (s) up to?

**Crabbe:** Uh-huh.

**Goyle:** Hmm…

**Draco:** I think we should do some (s) sleuthing.

**Crabbe and Goyle:** (together) ALLRIGHT!

[They all high-five. Happy music.]

**Scene 5:**

[Harry and Ron are playing wizard chess. Hermione comes into the room.]

**Hermione:** I have an (s) announcement.

**Harry:** Tell it to someone who cares.

**Hermione:** I've started a civil rights campaign.

**Ron:** I don't care.

**Hermione:** It's called "SPEW".

**Harry:** (points behind him) Bathroom's right there.

**Hermione:** And you both are in it!

[Harry looks at Ron. Ron looks at Harry.]

**Harry:** (sighs) FINE.

**Ron:** Only if you'll (flirty s) do all the work for us.

**Hermione:** (testily) I do that anyway.

**Ron:** Right.

[Dramatic music.]

**END OF EPISODE SIX**


	7. Episode Seven

**Woeful Wizards Goblet of Fire Episode Seven**

**Scene 1:**

[Hermione is doing work in the Gryffindor common room. Ron is staring at her.]

**Ron:** Hermione…

**Hermione:** (doesn't look up) Hmm…?

**Ron:** About SPEW, I actually think that it's really (s) co-

[Harry bursts in, holding a letter.]

**Ron:** OH MY MERLIN, HERMIONE (s) HOW DARE YOU FORCE ME AND MY FAMOUS FRIEND INTO YOUR PATHETIC GROUP. (Turns to Harry) Oh, hi Harry. What've you got (s) there?

**Harry:** (eyes shining) All my hopes and dreams are contained within this letter. FOR IT IS FROM SI- I mean, SNUFFLES! (Harry holds the letter in air and waves it about. Emotional music.)

**Ron:** … yes. (s) Open it!

**Harry:** (starts to open it) I'm sure it is a reassuring letter, for I am only a teenage boy and any worry well in fact severely damage me, possibly for life and I-

[Harry freezes. He stares at the letter in complete shock, and runs into his dorm crying. The letter falls to the ground and Ron picks it up.]

**Ron:** (gasps) Oh no! (s) It cannot be.

[The letter is shown. It reads:

_Dear Harry,_

_ Shocked and outraged swivel. WHAT? I am returning immeadiately._

_ Lots of love,_

_ Sirius xx_]

**Ron:** (looks noble) I must comfort my friend! (Rushes off to dorm)

**Hermione:** (looks up from book) Hmm…?

[Dramatic music.]

**Scene 2:**

[Draco and the gang are strutting down the corridor. 80's disco music can be heard.]

**Goyle:** Cool walkman, Crabbe.

**Crabbe:** (s) Thanks.

**Draco:** Well, my dad got me a ghetto blaster. (s) It's at home.

**Goyle:** Wow! (s) What a recent development in technology!

[They come to a noticeboard. A group of students crowds around it.]

**Goyle:** Out of the way, (sneer) scum.

[Crabbe and Goyle produce a taser each. The gang makes its way to the front.]

**Draco:** Oh my…

**Crabbe:** What- what is it?

**Draco:** (s) The students from Beauxbatons and Durmstrang are to arrive.

**Crabbe:** When?

**Draco:** (s) This Friday.

**Crabbe:** Oh. (s) Where?

**Goyle:** Can't you (s) read?

**Crabbe:** (s) NO.

[Dramatic music.]

**Scene 3:**

[Fred and George at whispering to each other in an empty classroom.]

**Fred:** He's been acting like such a git.

**George:** But he's got to give us back our bit.

[Harry and the gang trample in. Harry is holding a strange metal device.]

**Harry:** Aha! (s) I told you my mystery-finding machine worked!

**Ron and Hermione:** HUZZAH!

**Harry:** (puts hands on hips) Alas, what is the mystery here?

**Fred:** I beg to differ, there is none.

**George:** Unless you want something in your bum.

**Ron:** Aw, c'mon. (Face darkens and hisses) Don't contradict Harry.

**Harry:** He's got a (s) point.

**Fred:** The real mystery,

**George:** Is how Ron came to be.

**Fred:** He isn't wanted here,

**George:** He isn't wanted there,

**Fred and George:** (together) HE ISN'T WANTED ANYWHERE.

[There is silence as the two groups stare at each other.]

**Ron:** Fine then. (s) Be that way.

[Ron stalks out of the room.]

**Harry:** WAIT! (Rushes off after him.)

[Hermione stands in the middle, unsure of what to do.]

**Fred:** (winks) Hey, Hermione.

[Hermione blushes and then rushes off to join the boys.]

**George:** (hits Fred) Don't act so stupidly!

**Scene 3:**

[Draco and the gang are in their dorms. There are books strewn across the floor.]

**Goyle:** (exasperated) One more, time. What is this letter? (Points at point on book.)

**Crabbe:** … Batman?

**Goyle:** (hits Crabbe repeatedly with book) NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

**Draco:** (s) ENOUGH.

[Goyle stops hitting and Crabbe stops sobbing.]

**Draco:** What we need is (s) a montage.

[Montage of Crabbe learning to read, with "Highway to the danger zone" song playing in the background.]

**Crabbe:** (s) I CAN READ!

[Goyle starts weeping with joy. Draco applauds. Triumphant music. Confetti everywhere.]

**Scene 4:**

[At the Great Hall. Harry and the gang are at the Gryffindor table.]

**Ron:** I. CANNOT. WAIT. FOR. KRUM.

[Ron grabs both Hermione's and Harry's hands and grips them tightly]

**Hermione:** Ron, (s) your fangirl is showing.

**Harry:** (sniffs) It's not like you _already_ know a world-famous Quidditch player…

**Ron:** (looks around) Who?

[Dumbledore parades in.]

**Dumbledore:** (leans sassily against pulpit) And now, the moment we've all been waiting for, (raises hands into air) The introduction of the two schools who we will be competing against at the (s) TRIWIZARD TOURNAMENT!

[Everyone applauds.]

**Dumbledore:** Thank you, thank you. (sits down) They just have to get here.

[Everyone looks confused. Dramatic music.]

**Scene 4:**

[Still at the Hall. Draco and the gang are at the Slytherin table.]

**Crabbe:** I'M SO BORED.

**Goyle:** (looks at watch) Merlin, it's been like an hour. Can't we just (s) go?

**Dumbledore:** (from front) NOBODY LEAVES. I'm sure they're just (nervous s) caught in traffic.

**Draco:** (whispers to Goyle) Or maybe they just smelt the smell of (s) loser.

**Dumbledore:** (s) WHO SAID THAT?

**McGonagall:** Calm down, Albus.

**Dumbledore:** (flails) NEVER.

**Draco:** (headdesks) OH, FOR FU-

**Scene 5:**

[At the Gryffindor table. Ron is asleep on Hermione's shoulder. Hermione and Harry are playing cards.]

**Hermione:** Any sevens?

**Harry:** Go fish.

[Hermione goes to pick up a card, but there is a shout off-screen.]

**Colin:** THEY'RE HERE!

[The doors to the Great Hall burst open, but no one is there at first. A moment later, a group of twenty-or so people burst in wearing berets and onions around their necks.]

**Hermione:** Whoo!

[The group makes its way up to the front. A few members stop on the way to make out with Hogwarts students, but are quick and soon catch up.]

**Dumbledore:** (rushes forward) I knew you'd come! (s) Madame Maxime, enchanté.

[He kisses Madame Maxime, a tall woman, on both cheeks.]

**Maxime:** Bonjour Dumblydore! Je suis very tired mais mes animals require, 'ow you say, quite forceful handling.

**Dumbledore:** (giggles) Silly you! (Gestures to Hagrid) Hagrid will take care of all of that! So, (taking her arm and guiding her to be sat down, dismissing the students to the Ravenclaw table as he does so) how are you?

**Maxime:** Je suis…

[The doors burst open again. Out troops twenty or so boys dressed quite militantly.]

**Ron:** (squeals) There's Krum! I, I (faints)

[Krum turns to the direction of the squeal, sees Hermione and mouths at her; "Call me".]

**Hermione:** (under breath) Not again.

[The procession makes its way to the front.]

**Karkaroff:** Dumbledore! (Opens his arms to embrace Dumbledore.)

**Dumbledore:** (stays back and crosses his own arms) You're late.

**Karakaroff:** I brought chocolate…

**Dumbledore:** (s) All is forgiven! (Runs forward and hugs Karkaroff tightly.)

**Karkaroff:** That is enough, my friend.

**Dumbledore:** (Lets go) And now, we (s) feast.

[Dramatic music.]

**END OF EPISODE SEVEN**


	8. Episode Eight

**Woeful Wizards Goblet of Fire Episode Eight**

**Scene 1:**

[In the Great Hall, at the Gryffindor table. All the Gryffindors are there, at their table.]

**Ron:** Did you see that (s) woman?

**Harry:** Huh?

**Ron:** (dreamily) The one with those bright blue eyes and the hair looking as if it were spun from the stars themselves…

**Harry:** (s) Huh?

**Ron:** I will never ever, (s) EVER find a girl like that a Hogwarts. (He puts his face right next to Hermione's) NEVER.

[Hermione slaps him. Dramatic music.]

**Harry:** I don't know, I think they make them (s) OK at Hogwarts.

[Harry turns to where Cho is sitting and stares at her "romantically". Dumbledore dances up onto the podium.]

**Dumbledore:** I have (s) news.

[Dramatic music.]

**Scene 2:**

[At the Slytherin table. Draco and the gang are staring listlessly at the front.]

**Draco:** I'M BORED.

**Goyle:** Shh….

[Dumbledore is at the podium, talking.]

**Dumbledore:** … and another person who is also here is (s) FILCH. Round of-

**Cedric:** (offscreen) GET ON WITH IT I HAVE STUFF TO DO.

**Draco:** (sits up straight) Who was (s) that?

**Dumbledore:** (flirty s) Of course, Ceddy-kins. (serious s) The Triwizard Tournament is hard. Oh so (s) hard. And whoever choses to enter, must be awesome.

[The Hall is silent as everyone appears to evaluate themselves from within.]

**Dumbledore:** (claps hands) But who shall decide this? It's the (s) GOBLET OF FIRE.

[The Goblet of Fire is revealed. Everyone gasps. Dramatic music.]

**Scene 3:**

[In the Gryffindor dormitory. Harry and Ron are sitting on a bed, with facemasks and curlers in their hair.]

**Ron:** I am (s) so excited.

**Harry:** (s) Me too.

**Ron:** If only we could enter. How brave and courageous would that be?

**Harry:** (s) Yeah. But Ron…

**Ron:** Yes?

**Harry:** (holds Ron's hands) I would rather it be me than you.

**Ron:** Aww… wait. What?

**Harry:** Shh…

[Harry holds Ron and rocks him gently back and forth. Dramatic music.]

**Scene 4:**

[In the Great Hall. The Goblet of Fire is in the middle, humming gently. Moody walks in, brandishing his glowing tube.]

**Moody:** Let's see…

[Moody circumnavigates the Goblet of Fire, and the rope placed around it.]

**Moody:** (whistles) Now you, you are beautiful. No really, you are gorgeous. What a lovely piece of work you are. Wouldn't mind stealing you and travelling around space and time with _you_.

[A big blue box VWORPs right next to Moody. It seems to frown at Moody.]

**Moody:** Oh, I was just- just doing that thing. (Pauses) How'd you get here?

[The big blue box does nothing.]

**Moody:** Fine, it's not like I care. Anyway, allons-y!

[Moody points the tube at the rope circle, and it flashes a blue light and makes a sound. The ropes fall apart.]

**Moody:** (looks at box and grins) Want to know how I did that? Because it's really quite sim-

**Box:** (angrily) VWORP.

**Moody:** (sulkily) But I need to tell someone how clever I am! I need a companion.

**Box:** (sympathetically) VWORP…

**Moody:** I know. I'm so lonely.

[The camera zooms out of Moody standing alone in the darkened room. Sad music.]

**Scene 5:**

[Slytherin dormitories. Draco is in bed, asleep. Crabbe is leaning over him, smiling.]

**Draco:** (opens eyes) Huh? What's go- AHHH.

[Draco leaps up, pulling the covers with him.]

**Draco:** WHAT ARE YOU (s) DOING?

**Crabbe:** (reaches out hand) Relax, sweetie. This won't hurt (s) much.

**Draco:** WEARGUH. (Runs out of the room.)

**Crabbe:** (cackles to self) And now, for my master plan!

[Dramatic music.]

**Scene 6:**

[In the Great Hall. At the Gryffindor table. The Goblet of Fire is at the front.]

**Ron:** I AM SO EXCITED I WET MYSELF A LITTLE.

**Hermione:** There, there. (Pats Ron on the back.)

**Harry:** Alright, here we- what's with the Hufflepuffs?

[The Hufflepuffs all walk in. They are all extremely pale, wearing all black and looking very moodily at everything, i.e. the floor.]

**Hermione:** Oh, it's just because of Cedric Diggory they finally have a chance of (s) doing something.

[As if on cue, Cedric comes in being carried by two other Hufflepuffs.]

**Ron:** AND HOLY CRAP, THERE'S KRUM.

[Krum and the rest of the Durmstrang students are sitting at the Slytherin table. Draco has his hand on Krum's shoulder and is laughing.]

**Ron:** OH MY GOD TOTALLY SHIP IT.

[Harry and Hermione exchange glances.]

**Harry:** Emergency chloroform?

**Hermione:** Emergency chloroform.

**Ron:** DO YOU THINK I COULD GET HIM TO SAY SOMETHING FOR MY VLOG BECAUSE I AM-

[Hermione puts a cloth on Ron's mouth and he passes out on the table. Dumbledore ambles in.]

**Dumbledore:** (s) The time has come.

[Dramatic music. The Goblet lights up. Dumbledore looks at the speech cards he has prepared.]

**Dumbledore:** The first contestant is… (s) Viktor Krum!

[Everyone claps. Krum waddles to the front and grunts.]

**Dumbledore:** The second contestant is… (s) Fleur Delacour!

[Everyone claps. Fleur sashays to the front, wearing a beret. She begins to smoke.]

**Dumbledore:** The third contestant is… Cedric Diggory!

[Everyone claps, the Hufflepuffs being the loudest. Cedric makes his way to the front and then proceeds to blow kisses at the crowd. Someone gives him flowers.]

**Harry:** Hermione, there's something wrong with their (s) eyes.

**Hermione:** Whose?

**Harry:** The Hufflepuffs. It's, like, yellow or something.

**Hermione:** Who cares? They're Hufflepuffs.

**Ron:** (wakes up and groggily) What'd I miss?

**Hermione:** (shrugs) Not much.

[They begin to leave the Hall, like everyone else.]

**Dumbeldore: **WAIT! Wait!

[Everyone swivels towards Dumbledore.]

**Dumbledore:** I have a plot (s) twist.

**All:** Ooooh…

[Everyone sits back down.]

**Dumbledore:** (raises arms to forehead) Oh dear! There appears to be a (s) fourth contestant.

**All:** GASP!

**Dumbledore:** And the contestant is (s) Harry Potter.

**Ron:** (s) WHAT?

**Harry:** I… I don't understand.

**Dumbledore:** (gravely) Come here, Harry.

[Harry comes to the front, looking severely confused. Dumbledore puts his hand on his shoulder.]

**Harry:** (whispers to Dumbledore) You're hurting me.

**Dumbledore:** AND HERE ARE THE (s) FOUR CONTESTANTS FOR THE TRIWIZARD TOURNAMENT!

[Dramatic music.]

**END OF EPISODE EIGHT **


	9. Episode Nine

**Woeful Wizards Goblet of Fire Episode Nine**

**Scene 1:**

[Harry is in a cupboard under some stairs with Rita Skeeter. She is holding a microphone.]

**Rita:** So, Harry, how did you (s) feel when your name was pulled out of the Cup?

**Harry:** Well Rita, initially I felt confusion. (Holds up hands in confused gesture) I mean after the tragedy with my parents-

**Rita:** The (s) awful tragedy with your parents.

**Harry:** Right. I mean, was this ever going to (s) stop? The-

**Rita:** (interrupts) Mind numbing violence and efforts to end your life. You feel as if the sun and stars themselves area against you, that their very light mocks you in a manner that makes you fell exposed, and you only wish to be buried deep within the ground, where this light cannot touch you. But, alas! A chance for glory! A chance to prove that you truly are worthy of your title; The Boy Who Lived.

[There is a pause while Rita looks self-satisfied and Harry stares at her.]

**Harry:** (icily) What was (s) that?

**Rita:** I'm just giving it a bit more (s) drama.

**Harry:** (stands up and shouts) YOU HORRID WOMAN. I AM SO DRAMATIC. NOW GET (angry s) OUT OF THIS CUPBOARD.

[Rita leaves, looking repulsed.]

**Harry:** (s away and whispers) And out of my life.

[Dramatic music.]

**Dumbledore:** (just outside the cupboard door and thus off-screen) Harry? (knocks) Harry? Why did that (s) strange woman run out of this dark, enclosed space with you crying and looking appalled? What did you (s) do?

**Harry:** (s) GO AWAY. I wish to be (s) alone.

**Dumbledore:** Tough luck, toots.

[Dumbledore opens the door, steps inside, grabs Harry and drags him out. Dramatic music.]

**Scene 2:**

[Draco and the gang are having breakfast at the Great Hall.]

**Crabbe:** Pass the milk please, Draco.

**Draco:** Okay, Vincent. (He passes Crabbe the milk.)

[Goyle looks on, worried.]

**Draco:** Why are you (s) looking at us like that?

**Goyle:** (leans across table and strokes Draco's face) Are you (s) alright?

**Crabbe:** (crossly) Of course he is. (s) Why wouldn't he be?

**Goyle:** (takes a deep breath) I had a dream…

[Montage of Goyle talking and explaining to Draco and Crabbe, whilst solemn music plays in the background.]

**Goyle:** … and then Draco ran away screaming.

**Crabbe:** (nervously) What an inaccurate dream! I never do that! (giggles nervously)

**Draco:** (looks around) Oh look, mail!

[Dramatic music.]

**Scene 3:**

[Harry is in bed in the Gryffindor dorms, staring at the ceiling. Ron walks in.]

**Harry:** Where've you (s) been?

**Ron:** (icily) Oh, (s) hello.

[Awkward pause.]

**Ron:** Congratulations.

**Harry:** Congratulations on (s) what?

**Ron:** How'd you (s) do it?

**Harry:** Huh?

**Ron:** How did you (s) put your name in the Goblet?

**Harry:** I didn't. Someone (s) else must have.

**Ron:** (snaps) But why would someone do (s) that?

**Harry:** I don't know. (s) To kill me.

[Dramatic music]

**Ron:** (angrily) WHY WON'T YOU TELL YOUR (s) BEST FRIEND?

**Harry:** MAYBE YOU AREN'T MY (s) BEST FRIEND ANYMORE.

[Ron looks shocked. Harry looks sassily at Ron.]

**Ron:** (close to tears) WELL I HOPE YOU AND CEDRIC ARE VERY HAPPY.

[Ron runs out of the room and slams the door.]

**Harry:** I don't (s) need him.

[Ron sneaks back in.]

**Ron:** My bed's there, so…

[Ron creeps into his bed and pulls the curtains shut ferociously]

**Ron:** (from behind curtains) SLAM!

[Dramatic music.]

**Scene 4:**

[Draco and the gang are having a slumber party, wearing face masks.]

**Crabbe:** You've been so (s) nice lately, Draco.

**Goyle:** Yeah! Not that (s) we're complaining.

**Draco:** Well, I guess it's because my mortal enemy may die soon.

**Crabbe:** (s) Who's that? Cedric?

**Draco:** No! (s) Harry Potter.

[There is a pause]

**Draco:** What?

**Goyle:** Well, aren't you and him…

**Crabbe:** You know, you act like you and Harry are…

**Draco:** (looks like an angry toad) ARE WHAT?

**Goyle:** … nothing.

[Dramatic music.]

**Scene 5:**

[Harry is at his desk, hunched over a piece of parchment]

**Harry:** (writes) Dear Sirius,

Wow! A lot has happened since I last wrote to you! Namely, I've been somehow put into this tournament where many people have died in! Strange, huh? Also, Cedric Diggory is the other Hogwarts champion. There are other people as well, two less important ones, but I forget their names. Anyway, enough about me, tell me about you! What's going on? How are you? How is Buckbeak? How's the love life going? I want you to tell me everything- no details left out. Alright then, I've got to go- they still make me do lessons, for some reason. What is up with that?

LOL (that means Lots of Love! Lol),

Harry

[Harry seals the envelope and kisses it, then hands it to Hedwig.]

**Harry:** (whispers) Fly my sweet angel, (s) fly.

[Hedwig "flies" away, into a sunset. Dramatic music.]

**Scene 6:**

[All the cast is gathered around the Great Hall]

**Harry:** (smiles at camera) Hello everyone.

**Hermione:** We'd like to thank you all for being so supportive.

**Ron:** And for all of your awesome critique and comments.

**Draco:** We'd also like to apologise for the late upload.

**Crabbe:** The writer wasn't feeling too crash hot.

**Goyle:** But with that aside, we'd all like to say:

**All:** HAPPY EASTER!

[Woohoo!]

**End of Episode Nine**


	10. Episode Ten

**Woeful Wizards Goblet of Fire Episode Ten**

**Scene 1:**

[Harry and the gang are in Herbology with the rest of the Gryffindors. Hermione and Harry are paired up, whilst Ron is in a darkened corner, glaring at Harry and listening to his iPod.]

**Harry: **What's (s) up with Ron?

**Hermione:** Don't worry, he's just (s) jealous.

**Harry:** Why would he be jealous?

**Hermione:** Because you're so big and strong and… uh. (She stares at Harry and bites her lip coyly)

**Harry:**… what? Something on my face?

**Hermione:** (strokes his face and whispers) Only beauty, Harry. (s) Only beauty.

[The Hufflepuffs come in, sparkling in the morning light.]

**Hermione:** Something's (s) different.

**Justin Finch Bitchley:** Oh, it's this new (s) body butter. Cedric lent it to all of us.

**Hermione:** Smells weird. Like the scent of (s) human blood.

**JFB:** Have _you_ ever lent the (s) Gryffindors body butter, Potter?

**Harry:** No, because I actually have (s) friends. Oh, wait…

**Hermione:** (hugs Harry) There, there child. I'll always be here for you.

**JFB:** (s) Unlike victory.

[The Hufflepuffs retreat, with their fangs bared.]

**Hermione:** I'll (s) help you.

[Dramatic music.]

**Scene 2:**

[Draco and the gang are reading together in the library.]

**Draco:** What shall we (s) do today?

**Crabbe:** SKIPPING!

**Goyle:** Hang (s) on.

**Draco:** (pissed) What do you (s) want?

**Goyle:** This tomfoolery is (s) ill-founded.

**Draco:** Whatever do you mean?

**Crabbe:** Yeah!

**Goyle:** Prove that you really hate (s) Potter.

**Crabbe:** Really? Again? Last time you got turned into a fer-

**Draco:** (puts hands on hips heroically) Alright.

**Crabbe:** God damn it.

**Draco:** I actually have a (s) scheme.

**Goyle:** What is it, (s) Draco?

[They huddle together and that can be heard is whispers.]

**Draco:** So, what do you (s) think?

**Goyle:** Your best plan (s) yet!

**Crabbe:** (confused) But what was his other-

[Dramatic music which drowns out Crabbe's words.]

**Scene 3:**

[Harry and Hermione are strutting down the corridor. Ron is hovering in the background, dressed all in black and looking depressed.]

**Harry:** Hermione, what are you doing with your (s) hand?

**Hermione:** Sh, you know you (s) like it.

[Ron looks even angrier in the background.]

**Harry:** Could you just stop (s) this? I know you're just trying to make Ron (s) jealous.

**Hermione:** (looks shocked) No, I (s) like you!

**Harry:** (shouts) NO YOU DON'T.

[Draco and the gang strut in.]

**Draco:** Well, hello Potter. (s) Didn't see you there.

**Harry:** What do you want (s) Milkfoy?

**Draco:** Check out this badge, Potter. (Draco flashes a badge at Harry that reads; "Potter Stinks".)

**Harry:** (looks appalled) How could you? (A single tear rolls down his cheek.)

**Hermione:** (looks unimpressed) That's so lame.

**Harry and Draco:** (at the same time) HOW DARE YOU.

[Harry and Draco both reach for their wands and point at Hermione. However, Ron rushes in and pushes Harry's arm so it points at Goyle.]

**Harry:** _Furnuculus_!

**Draco:** _Densaugeo_!

[Jets of light hit Hermione and Goyle in the face. Hermione's teeth start to "grow" and boils start to appear all over Goyle's face.]

**Crabbe:** (clutches Goyle to his chest) NO!

**Ron:** (worried) Are you hurt, (s) Hermione?

**Hermione:** (angry and covering her mouth) IT'S BECAUSE I'M WITH ANOTHER MAN, ISN'T IT?

**Draco:** What (s) other man?

**Harry:** What business of it is (s) yours, Malfoy?

**Ron:** My sweet, (s) talk to me.

**Hermione:** I JUST DID, (s) NUMBSKULL.

[Snape appears.]

**Snape:** Will you lot shut up? I have this massive headache… (he rubs his forehead.)

**Draco:** (points) It was Potter! All (s) Potter!

[Harry and the gang remain silent.]

**Crabbe:** And look how they've injured (s) Gregory!

[Goyle groans, causing Crabbe to whimper and hold him closer. Harry and the gang are yet to move or say a word.]

**Snape:** Fine. Hospital or infirmary, or whatever the hell they call it at this freaking school.

**Ron:** Uh… sir?

**Snape:** UGH NOW WHAT?

**Ron:** It's Hermione, she's (s) in a bad way.

**Snape:** I don't care. Hospital as well.

**Ron:** It's her (s) teeth.

[Hermione uncovers her mouth to reveal a large set of buckteeth.]

**Harry:** (s) I see no difference.

[Hermione runs away, sobbing. Ron glares at Harry and runs after her.]

**Snape:** (stares at Harry) Well done, son. Well done.

[Snape walks away.]

**Harry:** (falls to knees and tears off shirt) UGH. CONFLICTING EMOTIONS.

[Dramatic music.]

**Scene 4:**

[Draco and Crabbe are around Goyle's bedside table.]

**Draco:** Are you (s) alright?

**Goyle:** Actually, I'm quite-

**Crabbe:** (puts finger to Goyle's lips) Shh…

**Draco:** (stands up) From this day forward, I swear that (s) Potter will no longer put me or any of my gang into a hospital bed. (s) Again.

**Crabbe:** (stands up and starts clapping) Well said, Draco. (s) Well said.

**Draco:** (s) Thank you.

**Crabbe:** But how?

**Draco:** I'm not sure…

**Crabbe:** How about we become (s) Deatheaters like all of our relatives!

**Draco:** No, not for another (s) couple of years.

**Crabbe:** What?

**Draco:** Shh… I need time to (s) think.

[Dramatic music.]

**Scene 5:**

[Harry and the three other champions are standing in a room together.]

**Harry:** I guess all of you (s) hate me as well.

**Fleur:** (shrugs) Je do not hate toi, mais je pense que tu will die soon.

**Harry:** (wistfully) So poetic… but full of passionate rage.

**Krum:** (grunts) Meh.

**Harry:** Cedric, as the only other (s) British I mean Hogwarts person, surely you do not hate me, as the others have.

**Cedric:** I gladly await the day when I decorate my Christmas tree with your entrails.

[Rita and the photographer flounce in.]

**Rita:** (s) Photo shoot time!

**Photographer:** Yeah, don't be afraid to take some clothes off.

**Fleur:** Je suis French. (starts stripping)

**Krum:** Meh. (starts stripping.)

**Cedric:** Vampire means hot bod. Am I right or what? (He gets a high five from Rita and begins to strip as well.)

**Harry:** I don't (s) want to.

**Photographer:** I don't want you to either.

[Cue photo montage of basically Harry in the middle grinning like an idiot while Krum, Fleur and Cedric pose and pout sexily in their underwear beside him. Sexy music.]

**END OF EPISODE ELEVEN**


	11. Episode Eleven

**Woeful Wizards Goblet of Fire Episode Eleven**

**Scene 1:**

[Harry and Hermione are at the Three Broomsticks. Harry is "invisible".]

**Hermione:** (grumpy) You two are being such (s) babies.

**Harry:** (s) … How dare you.

[Hagrid and Moody walk past, talking to each other.]

**Hermione:** Hagrid! Talk some (s) sense into Harry.

**Harry:** HERMIONE, he can't (s) see me.

**Hermione:** Oh yeah, right.

**Moody:** (s) But I can.

[Dramatic music.]

**Harry:** But (s) how?

**Moody:** (taps his eye) It's magical. Well, when I say magical I obviously only mean it in the sense that it has this spell, well not a spell a, uh, whatchamacallit, an adjustment which lets me see through… things.

[Moody glances at Hermione's shirt nervously.]

**Moody:** (leans towards Hermione) Have I ever told you about my big, blue-

**Hagrid:** I dare say, Harry, it has occurred to me that I do have some information of which you would probably like to acquire.

**Harry:** (s) I'm listening…

**Hagrid:** (whispers) The demon that you have to face can fly by night and breathe the fiery depths of hell,

**Harry:** What?

**Moody:** Dragons, my boy! DRAGONS! (takes Harry be the shoulders and shakes him) Oh, I love a good dragon. Nothing beats it! Except, say, a (s to Hermione) time machine that can travel through both time and space?

[Hermione looks worried. Harry gasps.]

**Hagrid:** Well, farewell my dear child!

[Hagrid and Moody bid the children goodbye and leave.]

**Harry:** (whispers)What could this mean?

[Moody runs back in.]

**Moody:** Oh, Harry, good. You haven't left yet. Just wanted to say, if you ever need some help, I'm your man. Well, technically I'm not a man but that is beside the point. Just think, Harry, what are you good at?

**Harry:** I make a mean batch of blueberry muffins.

**Moody:** What? No. Flying. You are good at flying. Well, best be off. And Hermione, (s to Hermione) if you ever need some extra… credit, feel free to see me. (Winks at her.)

[Moody runs off.]

**Harry:** (s) BUT WHAT COULD HE MEAN?

[Dramatic music.]

**Scene 2:**

[Draco and the gang are in the Hogwarts quad, sitting under a tree.]

**Draco:** Hey, Crabbe.

**Crabbe:** What?

**Draco: **POTTER STINKS!

[Draco and the gang burst into uncontrollable laughter.]

**Scene 3:**

[Harry and Hermione are sitting in a classroom.]

**Harry:** Hermione, where (s) are we?

**Hermione:** This is a classroom, (s) Harry.

**Harry:** Oh, do we still have those?

**Hermione:** Anyway, I've analysed what Moody told you and I think he means that you should use your broom.

**Harry:** (s) I don't understand.

**Hermione:** Just use "accio" to summon your broom to you.

**Harry:** (s) I don't understand.

**Hermione:** Just say "accio broom".

**Harry:** (s) I don't understand.

[Hermione hits him.]

**Harry:** Oh, now I (s) get it.

**Hermione:** Now, (s) we train.

[Montage of Harry trying and gradually getting better of casting "accio", with "Eye of the Tiger" playing in the background.]

**Harry:** (falls down) Well, I'm exhausted.

**Hermione:** (s) VICTORY IS ASSURED!

[Dramatic music.]

**Scene 4:**

[Draco and the gang are in the Slytherin dorms, painting their nails.]

**Goyle:** My grandfather just (s) died.

**Crabbe:** Oh, Greg… (puts hand on Goyle's shoulder.)

**Draco:** Hey, Goyle.

**Goyle:** Yeah?

**Draco:** (s) POTTER STINKS!

[Draco and Crabbe burst into laughter. Goyle looks appalled. Dramatic music.]

**Scene 5:**

[Harry is ambling down the corridor, singing to himself.]

**Harry:** (singing) I'M SINGING IN THE RAIN, JUST SINGING IN THE-

[Cedric appears out of nowhere and Harry crashes into him.]

**Harry:** Ow. You're (s) rock hard. And (s) ice cold.

**Cedric:** Whatever, twerp. Heard you knew something about the (s) tournament.

**Harry:** (sassy s) So what if I do?

**Cedric:** Let me put it this way. You scratch my back, (s) I'll scratch yours.

**Harry:** Okay. Because I'm (s) such a nice person, here we go.

[Harry goes on tiptoes and puts his lips close to Cedric's ear.]

**Harry:** (whispers) Dragons.

**Cedric:** (s) What?

**Harry:** (s) DRAGONS.

**Cedric:** Dragons? But- but they are a vampire's mortal enemy.

**Harry:** I thought that was werewolves.

**Cedric:** (s) Everything's a vampire's mortal enemy.

[Cedric stalks away, hissing at the sunlight.]

**Harry:** (s) What a lovely wizard.

[Harry skips away. Dramatic music.]

**Scene 6:**

[Draco and the gang are having lunch in the Great Hall.]

**Crabbe:** Oh, not fish again.

**Goyle:** What's wrong with fish?

**Crabbe:** I hate fish.

**Draco:** Hey, guys.

**Crabbe:** What?

**Goyle:** Not again…

**Draco:** POTTER STINKS!

[Draco and Crabbe laugh. Goyle looks pissed. Dramatic music.]

**Scene 7:**

[Harry and the other three champions are sitting in a tent, anxiously awaiting orders.]

**Fleur:** Ugh, je suis so bored. And vous etes all stupid or something.

**Krum:** (Grunts) Murf.

**Harry:** (s) Cedric, how are you?

**Cedric:** (smiles in a disturbing way) Fine and dandy, like cotton candy.

**Harry:** Why's (s) that?

**Cedric:** I've got a secret weapn. BUT I CAN'T TELL YOU.

**Harry:** … okay.

**Cedric:** Okay, I'll tell you anyway. It's-

[Bagman and Crouch come in.]

**Bagman:** Right, (s) let's choose us some dragons.

[There is a pause of silence.]

**Bagman:** … which none of you knew about.

**Champions:** (gasps) OH NO, WHAT A SURPRISE!

**Bagman:** (s) Let's get choosing.

[Bagman whips out a bag.]

**Bagman:** (s) Ladies first!

[Fleur reaches into the bag and takes out a slip of paper.]

**Fleur:** Ze Welsh Green! Merde!

[Krum reaches into the bag and takes out a slip of paper.]

**Bagman:** Oh, Chinese Fireball! Not bad.

**Krum:** Huh.

[Cedric reaches into the bag and takes out a slip of paper.]

**Cedric:** Swedish Short Snout. (shrugs) As long as I still get to suck it's blood.

**Bagman:** Well, now you, Harry Potter.

[Harry reaches into the bag and screams.]

**Harry:** SOMETHING BIT ME!

**Bagman:** That'd be the Hungarian Horntail, your dragon!

**Harry:** Huh? But why-

**Bagman:** MAGIC.

**Crouch:** We've got to go know, Mr Bagman.

**Bagman:** Right. Well, may the odds be ever in your favour!

[Bagman and Crouch rush off. Harry looks at his hand. Where the dragon has bit him, there is words saying, "YOU ARE MINE".]

**Harry:** Oh, for fu-

**Cedric:** (hits Harry over the head with a pillow) PAY ATTENTION!

**Harry:** To what?

**Cedric:** Me, of course.

**Bagman:** (offscreen) FIRST!

[Krum goes out.]

**Bagman:** (offscreen) NEXT!

[Fleur goes out.]

**Bagman:** (offscreen) NEXT!

[Cedric goes out, leaving Harry all alone. Dramatic music.]

**Scene 8:**

[Draco and the gang are watching the Tournament from the stands.]

**Draco:** Hey guys.

**Goyle:** (annoyed) What?

**Draco:** POTTER-

**Crabbe: **HERE HE COMES!

[Harry pops out into the arena. There is an enormous dragon, waiting for him.]

**Harry:** Uh, um, _accio Firebolt™_!

[The Firebolt comes out of nowhere and knocks the dragon on the head, where it falls down unconscious. Harry grabs the egg.]

**Bagman:** CONGRATULATIONS, POTTER! YOU HAVE FINISHED THE FIRST ROUND OF THE TRIWIZARD TOURNAMENT!

[Everyone cheers. Harry jumps in the air, looking triumphant. Dramatic music.]

**END OF EPISODE ELEVEN**


	12. Episode Twelve

**Woeful Wizards Goblet of Fire Episode Twelve**

**Scene 1:**

[Harry is in the Gryffindor common room with the rest of the Gryffindors, clutching the egg. Everyone is happy.]

**Fred:** Three cheers for the Gryffindor!

**George:** He only has to win two more!

[Everyone cheers and claps.]

**Ron:** (s) Harry…

**Harry:** (s) What?

**Ron:** I- I just want to say- that I- I…

**Harry:** I know what you are trying to say. And since you can't say it, we'll sing it. (s) Together.

**Ron:** (Puts arms around Harry's shoulders) … okay.

**Harry:** I know the world can see us

**Ron: **In a way that's different from who we are

**Harry:** Creating space between us

**Ron:** 'til we're separate hearts…

**Harry:** WE'RE BREAKING FREE!

**Ron:** WE'RE SOARING,

**Harry: **FLYING,

**Harry and Ron:** (together) THERE'S NOT A STAR IN HEAVEN THAT WE CAN'T REACH.

[Pause.]

**Ron: ** So, when do you want to start singing?

**Harry:** Maybe later.

**Ron:** (s) Am I forgiven?

**Harry:** (s) Always.

[They stare deeply into each other's eyes. Friendship music drifts in the background.]

**Dean:** You guys do know you're in a crowded room of like twenty people, right?

**Harry:** (glares and swivels at Dean) What do you want?

**Dean:** (looks at ground) To join in.

**Hermione:** Harry! (s) Open the egg!

**Sean:** Yeah! DO IT BRO!

**Harry:** Okay, okay. (s) Here we go!

[Harry lifts the egg over his head and opens it. "You Don't Know You're Beautiful" blasts out. Everyone screams and covers their ears. There would be dramatic music, but the song plays over it.]

**Scene 2:**

[Draco and the gang are in the Slytherin dorms. The music can be heard in the background.]

**Draco:** What _is_ that?

**Goyle:** Sounds like a hippogriff got caught in an autotune machine.

**Draco:** (s) Crabbe?

[Crabbe is singing and dancing along to the music, shaking his hips.]

**Scene 3:**

[In the Gryffindor common room. The egg is still open.]

**Harry:** (trying to close it) I CAN'T-

[He closes it and the music stops

**Harry:** What does this (s) mean?

**Hermione:** It means, Harry, (s) STUDY.

[Hermione places her hands on her hips as a trumpet sounds in the background.]

**Ron:** (groans) See, this is why I wasn't hanging out with you guys.

**Hermione:** (shrugs) Whatever, I'm excited.

[Dramatic music.]

**Scene 4:**

[Draco and the gang are all dressed up, ready for the Yule Ball. They are walking to the Great Hall.]

**Crabbe:** So, who are you taking, Draco?

**Draco:** (sneers) Pansy. I asked Her- I mean Fleur out but she was already going with Diggory.

**Crabbe:** (looks crestfallen) Oh. Okay. (s to Goyle) Want to go to the Yule Ball with me?

**Goyle:** (pauses) Sure. Why not?

[Crabbe and Goyle hold hands and skip away. Draco looks shocked. Pansy approaches.]

**Pansy:** You ready to go, hotshot?

**Draco:** (s) WHATEVER.

[Draco and Pansy troop off to the Great Hall.]

**Scene 5:**

[Harry is with Pavarati, lined up with the other champions and their partners, behind Cedric and Cho.]

**Harry:** (leans forward sweating slightly) Hi Cho.

**Cho:** Do I (s) know you?

[Cedric and Cho laugh at something together.]

**Harry:** (tear rolls down his cheek and whispers) I can't believe she said no to going with me.

**Pavarati:** (s) What.

**Harry:** Nothing.

**Cedric: ** So, then Moody was all like, "Try putting it under water" so I went to the prefects' bathroom, popped it under water and viola, I could hear it fine.

**Harry:** Is that how you (s) solved the egg? Cheers!

**Cedric:** I didn't know you were listening, you little sh-

**Pavarati:** (s and points) WOW!

[Hermione enters, dressed a little skankily. Romantic music. Harry gazes up at her.]

**Harry:** Hermione, you look (s) gorgeous.

**Hermione:** (blushes sweetly/sexily) Thank you.

[Krum comes along and takes her by the elbow.]

**Hermione:** Hello, Krum.

**Krum:** (grunts) Hi.

**Hermione:** (giggles) On we go, then.

[In the background, all can be seen is a slightly unfocused red head, glaring at Hermione and Krum. McGonagall bursts in.]

**McGonagall:** (drunk) CHILDREN! Children. I mean wizards. Whatever. Inside, now.

**Harry:** (s) Professor, is there a law against tartan robes?

**McGonagall:** What? No. 'Course not. You must dance for that. You all must dance.

[McGonagall totters away, swaying slightly and hiccupping.]

**Harry:** Okay. (takes a deep breath) Let's face the music, shall we?

[Harry looks around to find that he is alone.]

**Harry:** Oh, crap.

[Harry rushes into the Great Hall. Dramatic music.]

**Scene 6:**

[Draco is staring miserably at everyone dance at the Yule Ball. Pansy is beside him, asleep. Crabbe and Goyle come over, laughing.]

**Crabbe:** Oh, I'm having (s) so much fun.

**Goyle:** You're such a great (s) dancer!

**Draco:** (sighs) What do you two want?

**Goyle:** To dance with (s) our best friend.

**Crabbe:** Yeah.

**Draco:** (stands up) Well, you should have thought of that (s) before.

**Goyle:** Before (s) what?

**Draco:** (s) exactly.

[Dramatic music.]

**Crabbe:** There's free food in it if you dance with us.

**Draco: ** (quickly) Deal.

**Crabbe:** (s) YAY!

[Friendship music. They all start dancing.]

**Scene 7:**

[Harry is in the bathtub, with the egg.]

**Harry:** Right, here goes (s) nothing.

[Harry opens it and "One Thing" or whatever it's called starts playing.]

**Harry:** MY EARS!

[Harry shuts it quickly. Myrtle enters.]

**Myrtle:** Hiya, Harry!

**Harry:** My Merlin, Myrtle, you're so depressing.

**Myrtle:** (points to egg.) I would try opening it under water if I were you.

**Harry:** (sulkily) Fine. I'll try that.

[Harry puts the egg under water and opens it. Sweet music can just be heard.]

**Harry;** (still sulkily) I can't hear anything.

**Myrtle:** Put your head under as well, dear.

[Harry does, and stays under there for a good few minutes. Myrtle stands there, humming to herself and politely looking at the ceiling.]

**Harry:** I've (s) got it! It said, "The merpeople in the lake are going to steal your people and then hide so you better become a fish or something or maybe try the Bubblehead charm or like a shark's good as well." What could this (s) mean?

**Myrtle:** (shrugs) I don't know, I'm dead.

[Myrtle leaves by floating through the wall. Harry stares after her. Dramatic music.]

**Scene 8:**

[In the Gryffindor common room. Hermione and Ron are just back from the Yule Ball.]

**Hermione:** How was your evening, Ron?

**Ron:** (shouts) OH MY MERLIN HERMIONE HOW DARE YOU EVEN SO MUCH AS LOOK AT ANOTHER MAN BESIDES ME OR HARRY AND CANNOT BELIEVE YOU.

**Hermione:** (shouts back) WELL NEXT TIME THERE IS A DANCE, ASK ME YOURSELF.

[Ron is gobsmacked. Hermione leaves in a fluster. Dramatic music.]

**Ron:** (whistles) Wow, she IS hot now.

[Harry enters, wrapped in a towel and carrying the egg.]

**Harry:** Hey, so weirdest thing happened when I was coming back from my bath.

**Ron:** Was it (s) true love?

**Harry:** What? No. I bumped into Moody. My leg was trapped, see, and Filch was right there-

**Ron:** (s) I need some time alone.

**Harry**: (s) I might die this year. Again.

[Harry and Ron stare at each other mournfully.]

**Ron:** We need a (s) movie night.

[And then they put on face masks, ate popcorn, and stayed up til 2 AM watching Legally Blonde and Legally Blonde 2.]

**END OF EPISODE TWELVE**


	13. Episode Thirteen

**Woeful Wizards Goblet of Fire Episode Thirteen**

**Scene 1:**

[Harry and the gang are in library, frantically flipping through books.]

**Hermione:** I cannot (s) believe you spent all that time sunbathing instead of preparing for the next task.

**Harry:** Woah, woah, woah, (Harry places a hand on her shoulder) It takes time to look this good.

**Ron:** But how did you (s) work out the clue, Harry?

[Harry and Hermione drop what they are doing, and stare at Ron.]

**Hermione:** He hasn't, Ron. That's we why are (s) here.

**Ron:** (s away) … oh.

**Harry:** But we do know that (s) I must be underwater for a while.

**Ron:** Right. (s) And we've solved the mystery once again yay!

[Harry and Hermione look at each other, and then back at Ron.]

**Hermione:** Are you (s) alright, Ron?

**Ron:** Well, I took some stuff out of Snape's pockets and then I ate them.

**Harry:** WHAT.

**Hermione:** RON, YOU IDIOT.

**Ron:** (s) EVERYONE'S YELLING SO I WANT TO YELL TOO.

**Hermione:** Emergency chloroform?

**Ron: **DID YOU JUST SAY WHAT I THOUGHT YOU JUST SAID?

**Harry:** Emergency chloroform.

**Ron: **OH NO THIS IS BAD VERY BAD HOW AM I-

[Hermione and Harry press a cloth to Ron's mouth. Ron inhales deeply and passes out.]

**Hermione: ** Well.

[Fred and George enter.]

**Fred:** McGonagall's looking for Weasley and Granger.

**George:** And said not to worry, they'll be in no danger.

**Harry:** But Ron's (s) unconscious.

**Fred:** That does not matter.

**George:** He's as mad as a hatter.

**Hermione: **(s) I'll carry him.

[Hermione, carrying Ron, Fred and George leave the library leaving Harry alone.]

**Harry:** Right, I (s) must find a spell to-

[Harry collapses, and falls asleep. Behind him stands Madame Pince, holding a large book.]

**Pince:** That'll teach you to talk in my library.

[Pince wanders off. Harry snores. Dramatic music.]

**Scene 2:**

[In the staffroom. Moody and McGonagall are chatting over tea.]

**Moody:** … and then he had this zipper on his forehead, right, so he opened it and voila! Standing in front of me is a-

[There is a knock on the door.]

**McGonagall:** Come in.

[Draco enters.]

**Draco:** You wanted me, sir?

**Moody:** Yes, that's right, I need you to, uh, (searches around the room frantically) find out what this does.

[Moody reaches into his pocket and takes out a strange lump of metal. He throws the object at Draco, who catches it.]

**Draco:** You can rely (s) on me, sir!

[Draco begins to examine the object.]

**Moody:** (loudly) NOW, I WONDER HOW HARRY IS EVER GOING TO SURVIVE THE SECOND TASK BECAUSE IT IS MOSTLY UNDERWATER.

**McGonagall:** I personally hope he drowns (sips tea). One less paper I need to mark.

**Moody:** (loudly) IF I WAS HIM, I WOULD USE GILLYWEED, WHICH CAN BE FOUND EASILY IF YOU KNOW WHERE TO LOOK.

**McGonagall:** Alastor, are you alright?

**Moody:** (loudly) WHY, IF YOU JUST TOLD A HOUSE ELF, THEY WOULD KNOW WHAT TO DO.

**Draco:** (drops object) I must (s) summon Dobby!

[Draco rushes out.]

**McGonagall:** What was all that?

**Moody:** Why, whatever do you mean? (sips tea)

[Dramatic music.]

**Scene 3:**

[Harry is rushing through the halls of Hogwarts.]

**Harry:** Oh, bollocks, the task is meant to start in seven minutes how am I going to get there on time?

[Harry dodges some Hufflepuffs, who call out "HEY!"]

**Harry:** I hope this Gillyweed Dobby gave me works.

[Harry reaches the shore of the lake, gasping for breath. The other three champions are already there, stretching.]

**Bagman:** All right there, Harry?

[Harry can't breathe, so he doesn't reply.]

**Bagman:** Jolly good.

[Bagman takes a deep breath.]

**Bagman:** _Sonorus_. (Begins to shout) WELCOME, TO THE SECOND TASK! MAY THE ODDS BE EVER IN YOUR FAVOUR. 3, 2, 1, GO!

**Harry:** What?

[A cannon soundsand Krum, Fleur and Cedric leap into the water.]

**Harry:** Oh, right.

[Harry wades into the water. He eats the gillyweed.]

**Harry:** That's weird, I feel fi-

[Harry screams and falls into the water, clutching his neck. Everyone gasps.]

**McGonagall:** How unfortunate.

[Dramatic music.]

**Scene 4:**

[Draco and the gang are with the spectators, examining the lake.]

**Goyle:** Well, I'm (s) bored.

**Crabbe:** Same.

**Draco:** But, but what if (s) he's truly dead?

**Goyle:** I don't think so, no one seems worried.

[Draco hits Goyle in the face.]

**Draco:** THAT'S BECAUSE THEY DON'T CARE AS MUCH AS I DO.

**Crabbe:** I thought we were over this.

**Draco:** NEVER!

**Scene 5:**

[Harry is "underwater", being half fish. The four people who they must rescue are tied up beside him.]

**Harry:** OH NO, THEY'RE ALL GOING (s) TO DIE!

[Harry starts to untie all of the knots, but a mermaid approaches him.]

**Mermaid:** Dude, you're not meant to do that.

**Harry:** TRY AND STOP (s) ME.

[The mermaid comes up and starts to hug Harry.]

**Harry:** What are you- STOP THAT.

**Mermaid: **Man, you just need love.

**Harry:** I AM VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.

[Cedric comes along, looking completely normal.]

**Harry:** (frowns) Cedric, how come you're alive and not drowning?

**Cedric:** (smiles) Technically, I don't need to breathe.

**Harry:** WHAT.

[Cedric smiles at him, grabs Cho and swims off.]

**Harry:** WHAT.

[Krum comes along, half shark.]

**Harry:** Krum, you need to help me!

[Krum ignores Harry and grabs Hermione, untying her first and carrying her in his arms.]

**Harry:** KRUM, I AM IN THE EMBRACE OF A MERMAID AND I CANNOT GET OUT.

**Mermaid:** Hush, man.

[Krum eats the mermaid.]

**Harry:** Well, that was much better. (s) Thanks, Shark Boy!

[Krum swims off.]

**Harry:** Now back to my first dilemma. (s) Fleur is French, so she probably will never come.

[Cuts to Fleur, on the beach.]

**Fleur:** Je suis not going swimming dans la lac sans mon Chanel suit!

[Cuts back to Harry.]

**Harry:** Hmm…

[Harry grabs Ron and Fleur's sister, and starts to swim back to shore.]

**Harry:** Merlin, you two are so freaking (s) heavy.

[Dramatic music.]

**Scene 6:**

[Draco and the gang are still on the shore.]

**Crabbe:** Draco, get up.

**Draco:** YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. (s) HE IS DEAD.

**Goyle:** (s) But what about our feelings?

**Draco:** What (s) about them?

**Crabbe:** It pains us (s) so to see you like this.

**Goyle:** And we only want your (s) true happiness.

**Draco:** I, I-

**Bagman:** AND THERE IS POTTER, WITH, WHAT'S THIS? TWO CONTESTANTS!

[Harry appears at the edge, carrying Ron and Fleur's Sister.]

**Harry:** Oh. My. God. (collapses).

**Fleur:** (rushes over) Oh mon Dieu! Tu es tres fort, monsieur.

[Fleur pashes Ron.]

**Ron:** … okay.

[Hermione comes rushes up.]

**Hermione:** You did it, Harry. You've completed the Second Task!

**Harry:** (groans) I need medical attention.

**Ron:** Yeah! (s) Way to go, Harry!

**Harry:** Please…

[Harry's eyes close as he lies there, unmoving. Triumphant music.]

**END OF EPISODE THIRTEEN**


	14. Episode Fourteen

**Woeful Wizards Goblet of Fire Episode Fourteen**

**AN: Sorry for the late late late upload but we are back on track! Yay!**

**Scene 1:**

[Harry and Ron are sitting and eating breakfast in the Great Hall.]

**Ron:** Hey, Harry?

**Harry:** Hmm…?

**Ron: **Does everyone hate or love you right now?

**Harry:** I- I don't know.

[Hermione comes storming in.]

**Hermione:** (sassily) Look at THIS.

[Hermione throws a copy of the Daily Prophet onto the table. On it says "Melodrama and Teen Romance in the Life of Harry Potter".]

**Harry:** (stands up) What slander! What (s) surprisingly accurate but still intensely infuriating slander!

**Ron:** Am I mentioned in it?

**Hermione:** No. Only me (s) and Harry.

**Ron:** HOW DARE (s) THEY!

[Dramatic music.]

**Scene 2:**

[Draco and the gang are walking out of Potions.]

**Draco:** So, did I miss (s) anything in Potions?

**Goyle:** (confused) But we were just in Potions.

**Draco:** Yeah, but I was (s) asleep.

[Dramatic music.]

**Crabbe:** Uh well, Snape just read that article Rita Skeeter wrote to the entire class. It was about (s) Potter.

**Draco:** Really? What was it (s) about?

**Goyle:** Potter's love life.

**Draco:** Am I mentioned in it?

**Crabbe:** No. Only Granger-

**Draco:** (s) Dammit.

**Crabbe:** - and Potter.

**Draco:** (s) DAMMIT.

[Snape and Karkaroff appear, walking out of the closet.]

**Goyle:** What were (s) they doing in there?

**Snape:** … you need to read this, Iggy, it's hilarious. She's such a dumb b…

[Snape and Karkaroff leave.]

**Crabbe:** What could this (s) mean?

[Dramatic music.]

**Scene 3:**

[Harry and the gang are with Sirius in his cave.]

**Harry:** Looks like you might just have a (s) dark night ahead of you.

**Sirius:** If the authorities find me I'll be like (s) a bat out of hell.

**Hermione:** Can we please (s) focus?

**Harry and Sirius:** (shouts) NO.

**Sirius:** I mean, (s) yes. Crouch has disappeared.

**Ron:** The green guy living in a trash can?

[Everyone stares at Ron intensely.]

**Ron:** I'm just going to go stand in a corner…

[He does so.]

**Sirius:** Anyway, Crouch was up for Minsister of Magic but then his son was a Death Eater blah blah blah lost everything… who wants tea?

**Harry:** (s) I do!

**Hermione:** But what about (s) Snape and Karkaroff?

**Sirius:** (s) What about them?

**Hermione:** They came out of the closet today (s) together.

**Sirius:** Well, that's no surprise.

**Hermione:** No, but they were-

**Harry:** (angrily) Where's that tea?

**Hermione:** (s) But they might be-

**Sirius:** Coming!

**Hermione:** (s) DEATH EATERS!

[Dramatic music.]

**Scene 4:**

[Draco is locked in his room, sobbing. Crabbe and Goyle are outside his room, worried]

**Crabbe:** Draco, are you (s) okay?

**Draco:** (s) NO.

**Goyle:** Would you like some (s) pie?

**Draco:** … what type?

**Goyle:** Uh, apple.

[The door bursts open. Draco rushes forward and grabs the pie.]

**Draco:** Oh, I (s) missed you baby.

[Romantic music.]

**Crabbe:** Again? Really?

**Scene 5:**

[Harry and the champions are with Bagman and Percy. They are at the Quidditch pitch.]

**Bagman:** And look! See! It is a maze.

[The champions stare at the ground.]

**Bagman:** Pretty a-maze-ing, eh?

[Silence.]

**Bagman:** (upset) Anything to add, Percy?

**Percy:** (angstily) I never have anything to add.

**Bagman:** … right. Well, may the odds be ever in your favour!

[Percy and Bagman turn around and leave.]

**Fleur:** Cedric, would you like some, 'ow you say, casual sex?

**Cedric:** (winks at her) As long as I get to suck your blood!

**Fleur:** Quoi?

**Cedric:** What?

[Fleur and Cedric leave. Harry and Krum stand together in an awkward silence.]

**Krum:** Harry?

**Harry:** (amazed) You can (s) talk?

**Krum:** I mean to declare my intentions on pursuing my romantic relationship with Hermione Jean Granger. I understand that that article is a farce and that it is not true. Hence, I require your word that this shall never occur again.

**Harry:** (takes Krum's hand and puts it on his face) You have my (s) word.

**Krum:** (grunts) Humph.

[Suddenly Crouch bursts out of nowhere.]

**Crouch:** Oi, you lot! Come over here!

**Harry:** (astonished) Mr Crouch? Are you (s) alright?

**Crouch:** G'day, mate! I was just having a walkabout when I thought to meself better go check on Wetherby, the old bugger.

**Harry:** He's speaking (s) gibberish.

**Crouch:** (starts to sing) _WALTZING MATILDA, WALTZING MATILDA, I BETTER GO WARN DUMBLEDORE BECAUSE THE DARK LORD IS ON THE RISE PLEASE HELP_.

**Harry:** Krum! (s) Stay!

[Harry runs off. Krum is left with Crouch, who he stares at.]

**Crouch:** Bleeding hell, I'm out of VB. HEY SHARON. SHARON. GO TO THE CORNER SHOP, WILL YA?

**Krum:** (touches hand to brow) I am surrounded by imbeciles.

[Suddenly Krum is knocked out by Moody, who is holding a tubular device that is glowing blue.]

**Moody:** Well, we can't have that, can we?

**Crouch:** Well take my babies away by a dingo! It's you.

**Moody:** Hello, Dad.

[Dramatic music.]

**Scene 6:**

[Draco and the gang are in the Slytherin dorms. Draco is hugging his pie.]

**Crabbe:** So are you ever going to (s) eat that?

**Draco:** Huh?

**Goyle:** Because it is food.

**Draco:** (s) DON'T BE SO DISGUSTING.

[Draco continues to stroke his pie. Crabbe and Goyle watch. Dramatic music.]

**Scene 7:**

[Harry is with Dumbledore, standing over the mangled corpse of Crouch. Krum, Hagrid and Karkaroff are there as well.]

**Harry:** Ouch.

**Karkaroff:** (s) You attacked my student, Dumbledore!

**Hagrid:** HOW DARE YOU!

**Karkaroff:** Come and get me, Tree Trunks.

**Hagrid:** What the phantasmagoria is this?

[Moody runs in.]

**Moody:** I can explain.

**Dumbledore:** Who could've (s) done this?

**Moody:** .. yes. Who? Or more specifically, Doctor Who? (laughs to himself).

**Karkaroff:** I'm (s) leaving. Come, Vicky.

[Karkaroff and Krum disappear. Hagrid shrugs and then follows them.]

**Moody:** Nothing suspicious about this. Obviously Crouch commited suicided. See? See? The, uh, residue of the magic photons have, um, dissolved the uh-

[Harry and Dumbledore stare at Moody]

**Moody:** What's that? Someone's calling me!

[Moody runs off.]

**Dumbledore:** (s) Harry.

**Harry:** Yes?

**Dumbledore:** (s) Nothing.

[Dumbledore canters away.]

**Harry:** How (s) secretive of him.

[Ron and Hermione join Harry as he walks up to the castle.]

**Hermione:** We heard about (s) everything.

**Ron:** (s) EVERYTHING.

**Harry:** Guys?

**Ron:** Yeah?

[Harry turns to face Ron and Hermione, his face glistening with tears. The wind picks up dramatically and storm clouds appear. Ron and Hermione gasp.]

**Harry:** (whispers) This just got personal.

**END OF EPISODE FOURTEEN**


	15. Episode Fifteen

**Woeful Wizards Goblet of Fire Episode Fifteen**

**Scene 1:**

[Harry and the gang are at the Hogwarts gym. "Eye of the Tiger" is playing in the background.]

**Ron:** (confused) I didn't know we had a gym.

**Hermione:** (s) We don't.

[Dramatic music.]

**Harry:** (claps hands) Focus guys, focus!

**Hermione:** (s) Why?

**Harry:** Because I might (s) die if we don't practice!

**Ron:** But why (s) do we have to?

**Harry:** BECAUSE YOU DO. NOW LET'S (s) PRACTICE!

[Eye of the Tiger is turned up.]

**Scene 2:**

[Draco is holding his pie, trying to feed it other pie. Crabbe and Goyle are watching him, bored.]

**Draco:** Open wide for mummy, darling.

**Crabbe:** (in monotone) No, don't Draco. It's not good or something.

[Goyle stand up suddenly]

**Goyle:** That is (s) it!

**Crabbe:** (s) What?

**Draco:** Who's a good pie? (starts to kiss the pie.)

**Goyle:** (s) THAT!

[Crabbe and Goyle stare at Draco. Draco is oblivious to them, as he is wrapped up in his own happiness.]

**Goyle:** Draco?

**Draco:** … yes?

**Goyle:** It's us… or the pie. (s) Come on, Crabbe.

**Crabbe:** (looks at Draco, torn) Okay. (s) Goodbye, Draco.  
>[Dramatic music.]<p>

**Scene 3:**

[Harry and the gang, and the rest of Gryffindor are in Divination. Trelawney is up the front.]

**Trelawney:** For this lesson, I'm going to read from the dictionary. But I'm going to start with "z". Zabaglione. An Italian dessert made of whipped egg, yolks, sugar and wine. Zairean. A person from-

[Harry falls asleep and begins to snore. The Divination classroom fades out and is replaced by a dark room. In that room is Peter and a chair, in which a thing is sitting.]

**Thing:** You are in luck, Wormtail.

**Peter:** Aw, sweet.

**Thing:** You were able to _worm_ your way out of this one, eh?

[Silence.]

**Peter:** … I don't understand.

**Thing:** (upset) FINE THEN. _Crucio_!

[Peter falls to the ground, writhing and screaming in agony.]

**Thing:** Cannot _believe_ you didn't laugh at that.

[Foam is spilling from Peter's mouth, who's shaking uncontrollably.]

**Thing:** (upset) I wasted A-grade material on you.

[Peter vomits.]

**Thing:** AND OVER MY GOOD RUG AS WELL! Clean that up!

[Cuts back to Harry, clutching his scar in horror.]

**Harry:** (shouts) I NEED TO TELL DUMBLEDORE THAT VOLDEMORT'S BACK! (Runs out of class room.)

[Silence]

**Trelawney:** Zoroastrianism. A religion of ancient Persia based on the worship of-

[Dramatic music.]

**Scene 4:**

[Crabbe and Goyle are doing homework together.]

**Crabbe:** (s) I don't understand!

**Goyle:** Well, it's really quite simple, you take the base and then move the power over to the-

**Crabbe:** Why must we (s) abandon Draco in his hour of need?

**Goyle:** Because he's dating a pie.

**Crabbe:** Oh.

[Dramatic music.]

**Scene 5:**

[Harry is in Dumbledore's office, with Moody, Fudge and *surprise* Dumbledore.]

**Fudge:** How are you, Harry?

**Harry:** FINE. (turns around and whispers) I'm lying.

**Fudge:** Right. Let's go and examine a murder scene!

**Moody:** I've done this before, actually. Met a wonderful fellow who could deduce anything! Had a thing for deer stalkers, if I recall. One time, John-

[Moody and Fudge leave.]

**Harry:** Dumbledore, (s) come to my aid!

**Dumbledore:** Hush. I have to get rid of (s) this idiotic investigation. Sit tight, cherub.

[Dumbledore flounces away.]

**Harry:** (s) I SHALL OBEY YOU, FATHER FIGURE!

[The Pensieve appears out of nowhere, and bumps into Harry.]

**Harry:** Go away, Dobby, no one likes- Ooh pretty.

[The Pensieve shoots out magic lights that look magical.]

**Harry:** OH MY MERLIN I WANT TO STICK MY HEAD IN IT.

[He does so and is transported to Dumbledore's side, in some sort of court. There are other wizards scattered about.]

**Harry:** What? I don't- oh wait I'm obviously in a memory.

[Karkaroff appears out of nowhere, covered in chains.]

**Crouch:** (who is there) Are you here to give (s) evidence?

**Harry:** (gasps) He was cool once!

**Karkaroff:** Yep.

**Moody:** What a liar!

[Harry turns around to see a younger version of Moody, fiddling with a bowtie and wearing a fez.]

**Moody:** Oh, hello Alby! Just look at him! (Gestures wildly at Karkaroff) No sign of remorse. He's so… meany-weany.

**Dumbledore:** He can (s) change, Alastor.

**Moody:** For the last time, I'm not-

**Karkaroff:** I have (s) names!

**Crouch:** (s) Tell me.

**Harry:** So flawless…

[Mr Crouch's son stands up.]

**Karkaroff:** Mr Crouch's son!

**Crouch Jr:** What? No. I was just checking on- I need to get to- YOU!

[Points at Moody, who tries to look as innocent as possible.]

**Moody:** What? I just, uh, I'm an auror and I catch bad wizards or, you know, bad Time-

**Crouch Jr:** How dare you just waltz off in my place? IN _MY _PLACE!

[Dementors, wearing fishnet stockings and an awful lot of black take Crouch Jr by each of his arms and start to drag him out.]

**Crouch Jr:** NO! I DON'T WANT TO GO!

[Crouch Jr is hit by a Dementor, and then is dragged out.]

**Moody:** All fair's in love and war.

**Dumbledore:** (giggles) You are devious, Alastor.

**Moody:** Oh, you love it.

**Another Dumbledore:** Harry, (s) we need to go.

[They zoom up and into Dumbledore's office.]

**Dumbledore:** That was (s) the past.

[Dramatic music.]

**Scene 6:**

[Draco is alone on his bed, cuddling his pie.]

**Draco:** I love-

[Draco sniffs the air a couple of times, then looks disgusted.]

**Draco:** EW! (s) I'm throwing you out.

[Draco throws the pie in the bin and then rushes out.]

**Pie:** It's not my fault you did refrigerate me.

[Dramatic music.]

**Scene 7:**

[Harry and Dumbledore are in Dumbledore's office.]

**Harry:** So why did you think my scar (s) hurt?

**Dumbledore:** Aren't you worried about the (s) way that Voldemort can access your mind?

**Harry:** Nope. Just the scar.

**Dumbledore:** It's (s) a curse scar.

**Harry:** (gasps) It all makes sense! (s) Thank you, Professor. I'll leave now.

**Dumbledore:** One more (s) thing, Harry?

**Harry:** (s)What?

**Dumbledore:** Neville's parents were tortured to insanity by Bellatrix Lestrange. Good night.

**Harry:** (starts to weep) Neville…

[Rushes out the door.]

**Dumbledore:** But don't tell… anyone.

[Dramatic music.]

**Scene 8:**

[Neville is in his bed, sleeping.]

**Neville:** Hmm…

[Suddenly, a light switches on. Neville screams and sits upright. Harry is there, staring at Neville.]

**Harry:** NEVILLE.

[Dramatic music.]

**END OF EPISODE FIFTEEN**


	16. Episode Sixteen

**Woeful Wizards Goblet of Fire Episode Sixteen**

**Scene 1:**

[Harry and the gang are in a classroom. Harry appears to be dancing.]

**Ron:** Sweet moves, (s) Harry.

**Harry:** (s) FOR THE LAST TIME, UNDO THIS JELLY-LEGS JINX.

**Hermione:** Oh, right.

[Hermione casts some spell. Harry stops dancing.]

**Ron:** Why'd you stop dancing, (s) Harry?

[Harry swivels to Ron and stares at him intensely.]

**Hermione:** What's (s) Draco doing?

[They all look out the window and see Draco and the gang huddled under a tree, looking at something.]

**Harry:** I (s) deduce that they're holding a walkie talkie.

**Ron:** (s) I concur.

**Hermione:** Electronics don't (s) work on school grounds.

[Harry and Ron looked shocked. Dramatic music.]

**Ron:** (s) What a convenient plot element!

**Scene 2:**

[Draco and the gang are huddled under a tree. Draco is holding a beetle.]

**Draco:** So, you want (s) me to dish out dirt on Harry?

[The beetle nods.]

**Draco:** But why? Why? WHY?

[Draco falls to the ground and starts to sob.]

**Crabbe:** Draco, she can't (s) talk.

**Goyle:** She's in (s) beetle form.

**Draco:** Oh.

[Silence.]

**Draco:** I need to (s) have some time alone. With the beetle.

[Crabbe and Goyle nod and back away.]

**Draco:** Now, to tell you my (s) deepest darkest secrets.

[The beetle looks depressed. Dramatic music.]

**Scene 3:**

[Harry and the gang are having breakfast in the Great Hall.]

**Hermione:** Harry, check out this (s) article.

[Hermione holds up the Daily Prophet. Its title reads: "DRACO MALFOY TELLS US HIS FEELS"]

**Harry:** How dare they (s) insult me so!

**Ron:** Wait-

**Harry:** Ugh, this is (s) bugging me so!

[Hermione looks shocked.]

**Harry:** Who could be so (s) cruel?

**Hermione:** Hang on… is she an animagus? (stands up and shouts) TO THE LIBRARY!

[Hermione runs off. Ron stares after her.]

**Harry:** (looks around) There seems to be an absence in the air around me.

[McGonagall walks in.]

**McGonagall:** Potter, your family's here to see you.

[McGonagall walks out. Harry falls to his knees.]

**Harry:** (eyes wet with unshed tears) They care…

[Deep and meaningful music]

**Scene 4:**

[Draco is lying in a bed of anguish. Crabbe is lying one side of him and Goyle the other.]

**Draco:** I can't believe I (s) sold out Harry like that.

**Goyle:** No, you (s) didn't.

**Draco:** (sits up) DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO.

[Draco storms out. Goyle and Crabbe look confused. Dramatic music.]

**Scene 5:**

[Harry is with Bill and Molly at the Entrance Hall. The other champion's families are there as well.]

**Molly:** So, according to the school, we're your family now.

**Harry:** (monotonous) Brilliant.

[Fleur waltzes up.]

**Fleur:** 'Allo, 'Arry- oh oui! Et qui est this?

**Bill:** (winks at Fleur) Hey there, beautiful. Come here often?

**Fleur:** (pouts at him) Zat depends. Do toi?

[Bill and Fleur start doing the tango together, because that is how people flirt.]

**Harry:** I feel (s) excluded.

**Molly:** Aww…

[Molly hugs Harry.]

**Harry:** Please don't.

[Dramatic music.]

**Scene 6:**

[Draco is sitting by himself in the library, reading some books.]

**Draco:** YOU KNOW MY (s) FEELS, STEPHENIE.

[Hermione walks in.]

**Hermione:** Oh, sorry, I-

**Draco:** I've been (s) looking for you.

**Hermione:** Me (s) too.

[Draco and Hermione lean towards each other, lips about to touch.]

**Hermione:** Wake up, Draco.

[Draco wakes up.]

**Draco:** What a (s) strange and inaccurate dream. (Looks at watch.) Oh, it's time for the Third Task.

[Draco gets up and leaves.]

**Scene 7:**

[Harry and the other champions are at the edge of the maze.]

**Harry:** That was a (s) wonderful meal we had.

**Cedric:** (sneering) Last meal for you.

**Harry:** What?

**Cedric:** What?

**Fleur:** Vell, Je suis tres excited parce que j'ai eu mon premier fois avec Bill.

**Krum:** (grunts) Humph.

**Cedric:** Just out of curiosity, what blood type is everyone?

**Harry:** O positive.

**Cedric:** (smiles) Oh, that's nice.

[Bagman waddles up to the champions.]

**Bagman:** Everything good? Yes. Okay. _Sonorus_.

[A megaphone appears in Bagman's hand.]

**Bagman:** As of now, we have Fleur on third place, Krum on second and Harry and Cedric on tied first!

[Everyone cheers.]

**Harry:** Cedric! We both (s) won!

**Cedric:** (frowns at Harry) No, we-

**Hedwig:** Foreshadowing.

[Hedwig flies away.]

**Harry:** Where'd she come from?

**Bagman: ** And, go!

[All the champions enter the maze. Dramatic music.]

**Scene 8:**

[Draco and the gang are standing uncomfortably in-between Ron and Hermione.]

**Ron:** Hi Crabbe.

**Crabbe:** Hi Ron.

**Draco:** So, Hermione…

**Hermione: **Yeah?

**Draco:** Never mind.

[Awkward music. For ideas, listen to The Police.]

**Scene 9:**

[Harry is in the maze, alone.]

**Harry:** I'm so (s) bored.

[Fleur appears out of nowhere.]

**Harry:** Hey Fleur, are you as (s) bored as I am?

**Fleur:** Tracker… jackers… Je ne can pas… breathe.

**Harry:** They should totally have (s) music playing.

**Fleur:** (gasping for breath) 'Elp…

[Fleur collapses.]

**Harry:** I might fall (s) asleep as well out of sheer boredom.

[Harry continues to walk along. Krum appears out of nowhere.]

**Harry:** You know, (s) for such a big maze we sure are running into each other a lot.

**Krum:** Brains…

**Harry:** Hey! You (s) got past your speech impediment.

**Krum:** (Lunges at Harry) Urgh…

[Before Krum can touch Harry, a pale hand shoots out of nowhere and snatches Krum away. Slurping noises can be heard.]

**Harry:** (confused) Where'd he go?

[Cedric appears out of nowhere, some sort of red liquid smeared over his face.]

**Cedric:** You smell good, Harry.

**Harry:** Thanks!

**Cedric:** (Leans in close and inhales) Real good.

[Cedric opens his mouth, as if to bite Harry, when Harry turns at the last moment.]

**Harry:** (s) The Cup!

[And sure enough, there is the Cup, blazing brilliantly.]

**Harry:** C'mon (s) Cedric! We can do this (s) together!

[Harry starts to run to the Cup.]

**Cedric:** (frustrated) But I just want your blood!

**Harry:** (s) WHAT?

[Harry reaches the Cup and just before he touches it, Cedric is suddenly right next to him.]

**Harry:** How- how did (s) you-

[Cedric smiles, baring his fangs.]

**Cedric:** Sweet dreams, Potter.

**Harry:** (screams) FUUUU-

[Harry reaches out to stop Cedric's hand and accidentally forces both of their hands to touch the Cup. They are instantly transported to a graveyard.]

**Cedric:** (shouts) YOU IDIOT!

[Dramatic music.]

**END OF EPISODE SIXTEEN**


	17. Episode Seventeen

**Woeful Wizards Goblet of Fire Episode Seventeen**

**Scene 1:**

[Cedric and Harry are in the graveyard. Peter is there too, holding a Bundle.]

**Cedric:** Now you're (s) mine!

[Cedric grips Harry, who looks shocked.]

**Harry:** (gasps) Your skin is ice cold!

**Bundle:** Then it must be _ice_ to meet you! Am I right?

**Cedric:** (sneers at Bundle) Like I haven't heard that before.

**Bundle:** (Pause) Kill him, Pete.

**Peter:** _Avada Kedavra_!

[A burst of green light comes out and hits Cedric.]

**Cedric:** For the love of Merlin, I can't die because I'm a vamp-

[Harry accidentally hits Cedric over the head with some garlic. Cedric collapses to the ground and doesn't move.]

**Peter:** Why do you have that?

**Harry:** (shrugs) Thought I might get hungry.

[Harry looks at Cedric's motionless body.]

**Harry:** Oh, right. (falls to knees) NO! I'LL GET (s) YOU FOR THIS, PETER!

**Peter:** Okay then.

[Peter picks Harry up and ties him to a grave stone. A cauldron appears]

**Harry:** I'm too (s) numb with disbelief to react!

**Bundle:** Hurry up, Pete. Vampire Diaries starts in like 40 minutes.

**Peter:** Right. (clears throat) "Bone of the father, unknowingly given, you will renew your son".

[Peter summons a bone from the grave in which Harry is on top of.]

**Bundle:** Yeah, like I give your mum a boner last night.

**Peter:** (giggles) That's hilarious!

**Harry: **THAT DOESN'T MAKE (s) SENSE!  
>[They ignore him. The bone is dropped into the cauldron. Peter takes out a knife.]<p>

**Peter:** "Flesh of the servant willingly given, you will revive your master."

[Peter cuts off his hand.]

**Bundle:** Yeah, master of booty.

[Peter drops his hand in the cauldron.]

**Peter:** (giggles) You should totally do stand-up.

**Harry:** PLEASE DON'T. (s) FOR THE LOVE OF MERLIN, DON'T.

[Peter and the Bundle look at him.]

**Bundle:** I didn't want to (s) resort to this. Pete, get him as well.

**Peter:** With pleasure. "Blood of the enemy, forcibly taken, you will resurrect your foe".

[Peter cuts Harry, who screams a rather girlish scream. He then drips the blood into the cauldron.]

**Bundle:** And put me in as well! This is _so_ exciting.

[Peter drops the bundle unceremoniously into the cauldron.]

**Bundle:** I can't wait I can't wait I can't-

[There is a booming noise and a sudden flash of bright white light. Harry and Peter both close their eyes and look away. A figure rises from the cauldron and leaps down.]

**Figure:** Hello Harry. (s) I'm Voldemort.

[Dramatic music.]

**Scene 2:**

[Draco and the gang, Ron and Hermione are all sitting in the stands.]

**Ron:** I'm so (s) bored.

**Hermione:** (snaps) Harry's out there (s) risking his life! How can you be bored?

**Ron:** Because I can't (s) see any of it!

**Crabbe:** Good point, Ron. (s) How come we don't have screens or something.

**Goyle:** Yeah. (s) I don't know what's going on.

[Draco punches Crabbe and Goyle in their nether regions.]

**Draco:** Stop fraternising with (s) the enemy.

[Ron sticks his tongue out at Draco. Draco sticks his out back. Dramatic music.]

**Scene 3:**

[In the graveyard. Harry is still tied to the graveyard and Voldemort and Peter are standing about.]

**Peter:** You look rather fetching, Master.

**Voldemort:** Fetch me my wand!

**Peter:** (giggles) Okay.

[Peter gets a wand and hands it to Voldemort.]

**Voldemort:** For laughing at my jokes, you can have your hand back!

**Peter:** And for, you know, my life of servitude and utter obedience.

**Voldemort:** … yeah. Sure.

[Voldemort waves his wand. Peter's hand comes back, but silver.]

**Voldemort:** Now, summon everyone!

**Peter:** Why is my hand silver?

**Voldemort:** (angry) Hey, just got resurrected. Cut me some slack, okay? So summon everyone!

**Peter:** Sorry, it's been a stressful day.

**Voldemort:** Don't worry, it's been like that for everyone. Must be the weather.

**Harry:** Will you (s) get on with it?

**Voldemort:** No need to get so snappy, Potter. You're like a turtle.

**Peter:** (giggles) Good one, my lord. (Touches Dark Mark) Just wait 'til the others here about it.

[Death Eaters appear in a circle. Dramatic music.]

**Scene 4:**

[Hermione, Ron, and Draco and the gang are still in the stands. They all appear to be sleeping.]

**Hermione:** Sweet Gandalf, kill me now.

[Moody runs in.]

**Moody:** This is just brilliant! (Rubs hands together) Soon the Dark Lord shall rise again and I'll no longer have to impersonate-

[Moody stares at the children. The children stare at Moody.]

**Moody:** (looks at bare wrist) What? Is that the time? Well, I must go and, uh, (pause) defeat the Cybermen. Bye!

[Moody runs off.]

**Crabbe:** If someone gave me 5 galleons I'll set something on fire.

**Ron:** One galleon.

**Crabbe:** Deal.

[Dramatic music.]

**Scene 5:**

[Back in the graveyard. Voldemort and his posse are all standing in a circle, laughing. Harry is tied to a gravestone, bleeding.]

**Voldemort:**… and then _I_ said it's _ice_ to meet you!

[The Death Eaters all laugh.]

**Harry:** (shouts) YOU'RE NOT FUNNY.

[The Death Eaters stop laughing and stare at Voldemort, clearly frightened. Voldemort turns purple.]

**Voldemort**: (smiles) It's time for a duel, Potter.

[Harry stands up, the ropes binding him mysteriously disappearing.]

**Harry:** Let's do (s) this.

**Voldemort:** Like I did your mum.

[The Death Eaters laugh and applaud.]

**Harry:** THAT WAS (s) HORRID!

**Voldemort:** _Avada kedavra_!

**Harry: **_Expelliarmus_!

[A red light shoots out of Harry's wand to meet Voldemort's own shot of green light. For some reason, this creates yellow.]

**Harry:** (gasps) What's happening?

**Voldemort:** I- I don't know.

[Cedric stands up, groaning, and walks over to the duel.]

**Cedric:** What… what happened?

**Harry:** (gasps) Cedric! You're dead!

**Cedric:** What? No, I'm not-

**Harry:** (turns to Voldemort) YOU (s) BASTARD!

**Voldemort:** I'M NOT THE ONE WITH NO SENSE OF HUMOUR!

**Cedric:** Why am I holding a picture of Harry's mother and father?

[Sure enough, he is.]

**Harry:** TELL ME WHAT TO (s) DO, MUM AND DAD!

[Silence.]

**Harry:** GOOD ADVICE! (s) VOLDEMORT!

**Voldemort:** That's my name, don't wear it out.

**Harry:** ZAC EFRON'S BEHIND YOU!

**Voldemort:** (turns around) Where?

**Harry:** (s) NOW!

[Harry grabs Cedric and drags him over to the Cup.]

**Cedric:** LET GO OF ME! I'M NOT DEAD!

**Harry:** I'LL TAKE YOU BACK TO YOUR PARENTS LIKE YOU ASKED ME!

**Cedric:** OH, YOU LITTLE SH-

[Harry accidentally knocks him over the head with a piece of garlic. Again.]

**Harry:** Why do I still have (s) this?

[Harry grabs the Cup and is transported from the graveyard with Cedric.]

**Voldemort:** Oh darn it, not again.

[Dramatic music.]

**END OF EPISODE SEVENTEEN**


	18. Episode Eighteen

**Woeful Wizards Goblet of Fire Episode Eighteen**

**Scene 1:**

[Outside the maze entrance. The whole school is on the bleachers, waiting for something to happen. Dumbledore flits to the front.]

**Dumbledore:** As you all (s) know, it is near the end of another school year.

**Hermione:** (angrily) DAMM IT!

**Dumbledore:** And we know that everyone's kind of (s) bored right now.

[The lights dim and a dramatic light is shone dramatically on Dumbledore's face.]

**Dumbledore:** (whispers) In these times of darkness (gestures to darkness) we need one thing, and one thing only. (s) A FASHION PARADE!

[A disco ball drops from the ceiling. Dub step starts being played. Students line up, and start to pout and pose.]

**Dumbledore:** And who's first?

[ Cho Chang struts up, dressed quite skimpily.]

**Dumbledore:** It's Cho the Ho!

[Everyone cheers.]

**Dumbledore:** Cho is dressed stunningly in what appears to be satin-

[With a poof, Harry and Cedric appear on the catwalk. Harry is clutching Cedric's unmoving body and sobbing.]

**Dumbledore:** (tutts) My, my! Looks like we have a (s) late entry. Don't you two know that- Oh fuck, he's dead.

[Everyone gasps and looks shocked. The lights go back on and the music stops. Harry cries even harder.]

**Harry:** (sobs) Where is his father? He (s) asked me to bring him to his father!

[Amos appears out of nowhere.]

**Amos:** (frowns) Oh, for Merlin's sake, Cedric, now we're going to have to move again. Wait till I tell Esmé who is my wife. (whispers) My vampire wife.

[Cedric appears to frown, even though he is dead.]

**Harry:** (clutches Cedric tighter) NO! HE WAS (s) MY FRIEND!

[Moody runs in and picks up Harry.]

**Moody:** Harry, I really must talk to you. See, it's about uh, um, the- the dead boy. Yes, that's it.

[Moody carries Harry off, running. Dramatic music.]

**Scene 2:**

[Draco and the gang are in the bleachers, peering down at all the commotion.]

**Crabbe:** Aw, what happened to all the (s) fashion things?

**Goyle:** Someone (s) died.

**Crabbe:** … oh.

**Draco:** I'm still (s) bored. Why can't I kill Granger and Weasel?

[Dramatic music.]

**Hermione:** We're right here, you (s) pig.

**Ron:** Yeah. (s) Pig.

[Even more dramatic music.]

**Scene 3:**

[Moody and Harry are in Moody's office. Moody is pacing around whilst Harry is sitting down, twiddling his thumbs.]

**Moody: ** Well. Well, well, well, well, well. (Pause) Well.

**Harry:** Sir?

**Moody:** What happened? Tell me exactly what happened, Harry. It is of the utmost importance.

**Harry:** I, uh, started the race with Cedric, Krum and Fleur and then-

**Moody:** (puts finger to Harry's lips) Shh… Fleur. Nice name. Means flower in French. Lots of flower names out there. Like Rose. Wait, Rose. (falls to his knees) ROSE!

**Harry:** (Moody's finger still on his lips) Sir?

**Moody:** (jumps up) Right, where were we? Uh, in the graveyard, what happened? What occurred? The vibe? Were there drinks? I hope there wasn't drinks. They burned my home and so should they burn as-

**Harry:** Sir? I never mentioned (ULTIMATE SWIVEL) a graveyard.

**Moody:** Dammit.

[Dumbledore, Snape and McGonagall burst in.]

**McGonagall:** _Stupefy_!

[Moody is thrown backwards against the wall. Snape grabs him and halls him into a chair, whips out a potion and pours it down his throat.]

**Snape:** Now, spill everything, buster.

[Moody frowns at Snape intensely.]

**Moody:** (sighs) I'm actually the Doctor- I mean Barty Crouch Jr.

[Everyone gasps and looks shocked.]

**Snape:** Wait, what? You're not Moody? Then who is?

**Barty:** In the chest.

[McGonagall goes over to the chest and opens it. Out pops the real Moody.]

**Moody:** Boy, was it stuffy in there! (Jumps out of the chest) Barely and leg space and in case you haven't noticed, I have pretty sizable legs. Which I still have. (Straightens bowtie) Alby, my old friend, how are you? And look, it's the Boy Who Lived!

**Barty:** Hello, Eleven.

**Moody:** (mood sours) Ten.

[They glare at each other.]

**Moody:** (glares around the room) Take this imposter away.

**Barty:** Imposter? I'm not the imposter! (Snape and McGonagall each take an arm and start dragging him out) YOU ARE! YOU CHILDISH MONSTER, LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!

[Barty, Snape and McGonagall exit.]

**Moody:** (puts on fez) Well, I've got places to go, Ponds to kiss, Silences to break so I'll be off. (winks at Harry) Catch you on the flip side. Who says I'm not "with it"?

[Moody exits.]

**Harry:** Well.

[Dramatic music.]

**Scene 4:**

[Ron, Hermione, Fred and George are in the hospital wing. Harry is lying on the bed, asleep.]

**Ron:** (weeping openly) Why does this happen (s) every year?

**Hermione:** (s) Good question.

[Fudge comes in.]

**Fudge:** (dumps bag of gold on Harry) VOLDEMORT IS NOT BACK!

[Fudge exits. Harry wakes up.]

**Harry:** Fred? George? Can I talk to you two alone?

[They nod. Ron and Hermione exit.]

**Harry:** (coughs feebly) I bequeath to you two, (s) my winnings. (Gestures to gold on top of him.)

**Fred: **Harry, you're tip top.

**George:** We're going to open up a joke shop!

[Everyone cries and hugs each other. Friendship music. Ron and Hermione come back and they hug as well.]

**Scene 5:**

[Draco and the gang are on the train, heading back to London. They are walking down the corridor.]

**Crabbe:** That was such a (s) moving speech Dumbledore gave just then.

[Draco and Goyle nod. They pause outside a compartment.]

**Goyle:** Yes, I really think-

**Hermione:** (inside compartment)… and she was an Animagus who could turn into a beetle!

**Draco:** (gasps) She found Rita!

[Draco swings open the door and runs in. So does Crabbe and Goyle. Inside is Harry and the gang.]

**Draco:** Very (s) clever, Granger. Now give me back that woman in a glass jar.

**Hermione:** (s) Never!

**Draco:** You see, Harry? This is what you get when you hang out with (s) Mudbloods.

[There is a flash of light and lots of smoke. When it clears, Harry and the gang, Fred and George are standing with their wands drawn. Draco and the gang are lying unconscious on the floor.]

**Harry:** (s) Nice!

[They all leap up to high five each other and it freeze frames on them all looking ecstatic. Awesome music is played.]

**END OF EPISODE EIGHTEEN**

**END OF GOBLET OF FIRE**


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